10 Annoying People You Meet In A Doctor's Office

I was in the doctor’s office yesterday afternoon for a CT scan to determine the cause of that pesky hematuria. In case you never noticed, the doctor’s office is a great place for people watching.

The following were my waiting room-mates and some of the reasons why I’d like to avoid visiting the doctor any time in the near future (other than the I don't want to be sick reason):

1. The Cougher. In a tiny waiting room, there is nothing worse than a person who might be spreading a highly contagious disease. I’ve already got blood in my pee. I don’t need some stupid lung ailment too. 

2. The Dude With the Germ Mask. As much as I dislike The Cougher, I can’t help but think this guy knows what he’s doing. Maybe I should start wearing one of those things.

 3. The Stinker. For Pete’s sake, shower before you go to the doctor’s office. And please don't sit next to me.

4. The Kids. I once had a small child so you’d think I’d have sympathy for the parents who have to drag their kids to the doctor’s office. But, really, all I do is cross my fingers and hope that they get in to see the doctor quickly because I was once THAT mom. I know what nightmare kids can be when boredom hits.

5. The Flirt. She flirted with my husband in the waiting room. Right in front of me. Like seriously, that ho-bag needed to knock it the hell off.

6. The Eater. Hey, I’d like to have some Cheetos too but I can’t because I have to fast before this stupid test. That means I’m very, very hungry. And very, very grouchy. And very, very tempted to rip that bag out of your hand and suffocate you with it.

7. The Talker. Sometimes, I don’t mind talking in the doctor’s office but yesterday I was feeling anxious and clearly not in the mood. Apparently my “Yes” and “No” answers weren’t a tip off. Neither was the way I kept my attention on a magazine. But that didn’t matter. The Talker never seems to care what her neighbor is in the mood for.

8. The Asshole. You know the one, the guy who talks about how his mother’s sister’s brother’s neighbor had a stomach ache, went to the doctors, found out it was terminal and died three days later. Shut. Up. Now.

9. The Sleeper. This is my husband. He is somehow able to sit down in a doctor’s office shut his eyes, and stay that way until they call him into the exam room. It drives me crazy because I am ...

10. The Nervous Wreck. That person who thinks every ache and pain is something serious. The one who pesters the nurses for details and cries because she’s so terrified. The one who hyperventilates the whole time. The one who makes the whole stupid test miserable for everyone around her.

What kind of patient are you?

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10 Housewifey Tasks That Are Just Plain Evil

Despite all my bitching, I really do love being able to work from home. I can set my own hours, take a work break to tend to the house and blow off an afternoon to hang with friends. It's the best time I've ever had and I can hardly remember what it was like trudging around in the corporate world. (Nor do I want to.)

BUT because I work from home, some people who also live in this home think I should be the one to do EVERYTHING home related. Some of the work I don’t mind but there are certain housewifey tasks I could really do without. Tasks that I despise yet seem to constantly be doing. All the freaking time. Tasks like: 

1.  Tending to the stack of bills and miscellaneous paperwork. If I wanted to be a file clerk, I’d work in an office. I do not work in an office. 

2.  Putting a fitted sheet on a bed. It takes me three tries on each bed to get it right. I’m not kidding. 

3.  Folding laundry. Because folding is followed by putting away the laundry. And that’s followed by picking up laundry lint off the floor. And that’s followed by dumping more dirty clothes in the washer. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. 

4.  Making dinner. Every. Single. Day. If I were any good at this, I would be a chef. I am not a chef. 

5.  Grocery shopping with my husband. There’s the way he tosses every item into the cart with a dramatic basketball dunk. And the way he loudly speaks of inappropriate things when he’s bored and the aisle is full of people. (Honey! Have you seen my crack pipe? It wasn’t in the drawer. Those kids better not have my crack pipe again!) It's enough to make a sane person insane. Can I please grocery shop alone? Better yet, how about Bill does it without me? 

6.  Scrubbing the bathroom. More specifically, scrubbing hairspray off the bathroom mirror, floor, vanity, walls and everything else within a 10 foot radius of my spray zone. 

7.  Chiseling dried food off dishes. Because two members of the family still don’t understand the concept of rinsing their dishes. 

8.  Putting dirty dishes in the dishwasher. Obviously the same two family members don’t realize we have one. 

9.  Emptying the dishwasher. See number 8. 

10. Finding lost items. Note to husband and son: The uterus is not a tracking device. If you really look, you can find whatever it is that you lost.

 

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Denial. OMG! Those are not my legs. My thighs are not that flabby.I I do not have THAT MUCH cellulite. My skin has never been that pasty and scaly. No. No. No way. Something is wrong with this mirror. 

Anger. Damn those fashion magazines and their impossible standards. Damn that Jennifer Aniston and her perfect body. Damn every single one of those ridiculously beautiful Victoria’s Secret models. All of you can just go to hell. 

Bargaining. Okay, it’s completely my fault for eating whatever I wanted all winter. I deserve these flappy arms. I deserve this saggy ass. I did this to myself. I’m never touching another cookie as long as I live. It’s nothing but fruit and veggies from now on. 

Depression. This sucks. I’m going barf if I see another salad. I look like a human pear and need a shit ton of rubber bands to hold the button on my shorts together. Wearing a bathing suit is out of the question. I’ll just hide in the house from now on. 

Acceptance. Wait, no one expects me to have the body of a 25 year old so why should I? I’m never going to rock a bikini or short shorts again so pass the cookies. And the pizza. And the Skittles. And a beach cover up. Oh, and get that salad out of my face.

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10 Idiotic Things I Do On An Almost Daily Basis

I could look like that if I REALLY wanted to. Right?

I’m no Einstein. I was never at the top of my class and I’m never going to be accepted into Mensa because I have a crazy high IQ. I didn’t get an impressively high score on my SATS – not because I didn’t take the SATS – but because I’m just not genius material. (Back in high school when SAT time rolled around, my parents advised me to skip them and work in a grocery store until I found someone to marry me. Like seriously, that’s true.)

The thing is, I’m also not a complete moron. Then again, maybe I am, because there are some totally moronic things I do again and again…and again.

1. I make an obscenely huge amount of food whenever we have company. Every damn time I entertain and try to feed 10 or 15 people, I actually cook like I'm feeding an army. A big one.

2. Forget where I parked my car in the Walmart parking lot. I then, of course, have to wander around pushing a cart full of groceries completely clueless as to where I should be going.

3. Tell myself I'll only charge one more thing on my Victoria's Secret credit card before I stop shopping and pay the account off. Note to self: Stop with the retail therapy.

4. Use the wrong light switch whenever I walk into kitchen. We've lived in our house for 15 years and it still takes me three tries to turn on the right light.

5. Slather my face with wrinkle cream every night imagining that I'll wake up without those stupid laugh lines. There's no point at all in that. 

6. Bang my thigh on the footboard of our bed every time I walk past it. I've had a bruise ever since we got that stupid bedroom set bed 8 years ago.

7. Eat dairy containing foods even though I know I'm allergic to dairy and then bitch and whine when I get sick.

8. Think my family will listen to me when I ask them help out around the house. Hahahahahah! Are you laughing at that too? 

9. Buy cookies "for Bill" convinced that I won't actually eat them all myself.

10. Believe that I'm totally capable of getting Jennifer Aniston's body. 

What dumb things do you do over and over?

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