Wednesday, July 30, 2014

I'm Not A Perfect Parent But I've Never Reached This Level of Awful

There's no question, being a parent is the best and the hardest job out there.

I've never been the ideal parent. Far from it, actually. Even though my son is 21 years old, I’m still learning and I still make thousands of mistakes on a regular basis. I mean, no matter how much you work at it, it’s pretty impossible to succeed at this job for more than a few moments a day.

But I confess: I’m so over the notion of being a perfect parent. Yes, I have days when I want to wear a tee shirt that says “I QUIT!” and totally mean it but even at my worst, I’ve never quite reached the level where I:



Give this as a baby gift.






Or this as a Father's Day present:





I also didn't go through 27 hours of labor so my husband can have his own personal Coyote Ugly bartender.




Nor did I skip the car seat. (Even when we were only gong three miles to Papa Johns and weren't that drunk...)




Sucking on Christmas bulbs outdoors was also off limits.





So was smothering.




If I had a tween daughter, she wouldn't have dressed like a whore.




And neither would my toddler.




I also never used a shotgun as a pacifier.




Even though plenty of other parents have.






Encouraging smoking before kindergarten never happened in my house.



 And by smoking, I mean the bong too.



Speaking of bongs, dressing up as one for Halloween was where I drew the line.



But that's just me. You might be a little more lenient with your kids.



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Sunday, July 27, 2014

Fifty Shades of Grey Trailer Has Been Released!!! OMG!!!

I didn't think I would ever write about 50 Shades of Grey again, but then the trailer for the movie came out and well...here we go.

Before we talk about the movie, I have a confession: I only read the first Fifty Shades book, and I had a hard time getting through that one. You can feel free to make fun of me for a) not seeing what everyone found so fascinating about this incredibly popular book or b) for wasting my time reading a book so terrible I thought the writing would actually make my eyes bleed.

I’m not a writer at Hemmingway’s level, nor do I aspire to be. However, even at my worst, I’ve never put together sentences like: It’s only just not painful. (Fifty Shades of Grey, page 233) or this: He smiles his dazzling toothy all-Hispanic-American smile. (Fifty Shades of Grey, page 134.) What exactly is an “all-Hispanic-American smile?” I’m not even trying to be funny here. I seriously don’t know what that means.

Anyway, I never quite understood why people were so obsessed with those books. I read the first one so I wouldn't be woefully out of touch with the world. Since finishing it, I haven't exactly been sitting on the edge of my seat waiting for the trailer, but I watched it anyway because it's all over Facebook and I wanted to know what everyone was talking about.

The best thing I can say about this piece of “mommy porn” (How I loathe that term!) is that it looks like the movie is true to the book. By this I of course mean that there’s a whole lot of Anastasia being a na├»ve, idiotic drip and Christian being a jerky control creep right back at Anastasia. Sometimes they spice it up with what looks like boring BDSM sex followed by scenes with jerky rich guy stuff and Anastasia looking appropriately amazed. 

The centerpiece of it all is of course ORANGE JUICE. Okay, I kid. Even though ORANGE JUICE is mentioned 456965486003036585 times in the book, the real piece de resistance is Christian Grey’s sex dungeon. I’ve never actually seen a sex dungeon but as far as sex dungeon’s go, this one looks ho hum. Don’t believe me? Go ahead and watch the trailer. Watch in awe as Christian pulls out that gray silk blindfold and tightens those restraints. Is your bodice heaving? Are your loins quivering? No? If they are, it’s probably from Beyonce’s song Crazy in Love playing in the background. That is one SEXY song. The actual trailer, not so much.




Maybe it’s because Jamie Dornan – the actor who plays Christian Grey – has a small head with a tiny face, therefore making it hard for my loins to quiver over his sexy sex dungeon skilz. Or maybe it’s because Anastasia, played by Dakota Johnson seems to have confused “low self-esteem” with “does not use shampoo or style hair.” And okay, I admit, I kind of have it in for Dakota Johnson because she’s rumored to be dating MY MAN Benedict Cumberbatch.

I'm not saying you shouldn't be excited about the Fifty Shades of Grey movie, but you probably shouldn't be excited about the Fifty Shades of Grey movie. Excited or not, I'm still going to see it. My plan is to go to the inevitable midnight premier, sneak in a few wine coolers and laugh hysterically at how bad it is. I'm betting it will be a delightful, unintentional comedy that takes a boring cliche-filled book and makes it even worse.



Wednesday, July 23, 2014

8 Reasons Why Pizza Is Better Than My Husband

You guys, if you know me, you know I love pizza. I’ve been known to eat it for breakfast, lunch and dinner all in the same day and still want more.

I have nothing against steak. A lot of people go coo-coo over a good steak. I however, am not one of them. It’s pizza that holds a special place in my heart.



Don’t ask me why I love pizza so much. I’m not a fan of Italian food. I don’t particularly care for pepperoni and red sauce is so whatever. But put them all together on a pizza shell, add some bacon and sausage, bake it and I am in heaven. Eating pizza = one of my favorite things.

Another one of my favorite things to do is make lists. (Bet you didn’t know that.) I think it’s OCD tendencies that finds list making so enjoyable. I am very OCD-ish. (Bet you didn’t know that either.)

Because I’ve got nothing middle-age related to talk about today, I thought I'd combine my two favorite things – pizza and lists – into one blog post. Oh, and since I’m a teensy bit pissed at my husband, I thought we’d throw him in there too.

So today I give you 8 Reasons Why Pizza is Better Than My Husband:

1.  Pizza doesn’t expect you to cook. It expects you to eat.




2.  A pizza will never crawl into bed, bicker about who shuts out the light, flop around, kick its feet, mutter “Ah…bed, bed, bed, bed, bed” and then fall into a deep sleep with deafening bear snores.





3.  Pizza understands and accepts its mortality. It doesn’t get grouchy when it starts losing its hair either.




4.  You don’t have to pretend to give a shit about what a pizza accomplished at work.




5.  Pizza doesn’t get snappy with you when it has a bad day. If it did, you could silence it by eating it.




6.  Pizza doesn't care if you're to tired for sex.




7.  Even when pizza is in the house, you have total control over the remote. Pizza doesn’t even care if ESPN isn’t on the television.




8.  Pizza has a wonderful natural smell.



Okay, I kid. I don't REALLY think pizza is better than Bill, but you got to admit, pizza is awesome! 






Monday, July 21, 2014

Summer Recipes: Chocolate Chip Cookie Ice Cream Cake

Need an impressive, delicious dessert but don’t want to bake all day? This incredible ice cream cake is just what you’re looking for. Personally, I think it’s more of a pie but who wants to waste time splitting hairs over that because we’re talking about ice cream and we all scream for ice cream.

From Allrecipes, it’s great for birthdays and other special occasions, especially because you can change the flavor depending on the taste of the your guests. The best part, though, is how easy it is to make.

I can’t eat ice cream (Damn you dairy allergy!) but all summer long everyone else in my family looks for any excuse to eat it. This cake/pie is a great way to get your fix.


Chocolate Chip Ice Cream Cake

Ingredients

1 (18 ounce) package small chocolate chip cookies
¼ cup margarine, melted
1 cup hot fudge topping
2 quarts vanilla ice cream
1 cup whipped cream
12 cherries

Directions

Crush half the cookies (about 20) to make crumbs. Combine the crumbs with the melted margarine and press into the bottom of a 9-inch springform pan or pie plate. Stand remaining cookies around the edge of the pan.

Spread ¾ of the fudge topping over the crust. Freeze 15 minutes.

Meanwhile, soften 1 quart of ice cream in the microwave or on the counter top. After the crust has chilled, spread the softened ice cream over the fudge layer. Freeze 30 minutes.

Scoop the remaining quart of ice cream into balls and arrange over the spread ice cream layer. Freeze until firm, about 4 hours or overnight.

To serve, garnish with the remainder of the fudge topping, whipped cream and cherries. 

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Friday, July 18, 2014

18 Awesome Crafts You Can Make With Pool Noodles

Okay, I kid. By “awesome” I mean “utterly stupid and completely ridiculous.” Forgive me for the misleading title. That wasn't nice but honestly, did anyone really open this post hoping to learn how to make an “awesome” craft out of a pool noodle? Even if you love making stuff out of other stuff, you got to admit, using a pool noodle as a craft supply is odd.

Seriously, how did this start? Did someone buy a big old boatload of pool noodles and then at the end of summer went, “Oh crap. I better do something with these pool noodles real quick.”

I don't know about you, but when I look at a pool noodle I see a squishy, foamy thing I use to float around in the pool with or a modern day torture device. Surely you've also been smacked in the head with one at the public pool or spray in the face by a kid who thinks he's being funny by spitting water through the hole in the middle.

But then there are those imaginative people who look at pool noodles and see wreaths and pillows and bees and… oh, just scroll down and check it out for yourself. In the meantime, I’m going to ahead and file this under “Stupidest Things I Saw on Pinterest."


Logically, the pool noodle crafting craze started with wreaths like this one, which is kind of cute.





And this one, which isn't bad either if you think you should put feet things in places that aren't feet.







But then there's this:





Wreaths were only the beginning. If you've got a knife, some duct tape and a crap ton of time time, you can also use pool noodles to make toys for your kids. Like these bees -- with a FUN FLYING BEE ACTIVITY!





If your kids aren't into bees, there's always a pool noodle bike wash:




And this neat-o abacus that doubles as a garrote/trip wire combo:



You can also use your pool noodles for home decor. Pool noodle no-sew pillows, anyone? Why, they're just like "real" pillows only slightly less comfortable since they're made from POOL NOODLES.




For you religious folks there's the giant pool noodle rosary:





And the giant pool noodle menorah:



Here's where we wander straight into WTF territory with pool noodle fake FOOD, such as giant lollipops. 



And giant candy, which kind of resembles those no sew pillows.



And giany Popsicles, which kind of resemble colorful sex toys.



There's also fake cupcakes complete with a hot-glued choke-able cherry.



And wearable French fries.



Oh the endless possibilities when it comes to pool noodles! Do you want more fashion and home decor ideas? Of course you do. Don't you just love this purse with unusually large handles?




You could carry it when you wear this yellow pool noodle skirt.



If you still have any pool noodles left over when fall rolls around, you can decorate your house with these pool noodle pumpkins that you will have to always explain are pumpkins.



And finally, if you're searching for the perfect Halloween costume, I give you my personal favorite: The Magical Unicorn. Horrifying, sexy pool noodle fun!