Wednesday, July 23, 2014

8 Reasons Why Pizza Is Better Than My Husband

You guys, if you know me, you know I love pizza. I’ve been known to eat it for breakfast, lunch and dinner all in the same day and still want more.

I have nothing against steak. A lot of people go coo-coo over a good steak. I however, am not one of them. It’s pizza that holds a special place in my heart.



Don’t ask me why I love pizza so much. I’m not a fan of Italian food. I don’t particularly care for pepperoni and red sauce is so whatever. But put them all together on a pizza shell, add some bacon and sausage, bake it and I am in heaven. Eating pizza = one of my favorite things.

Another one of my favorite things to do is make lists. (Bet you didn’t know that.) I think it’s OCD tendencies that finds list making so enjoyable. I am very OCD-ish. (Bet you didn’t know that either.)

Because I’ve got nothing middle-age related to talk about today, I thought I'd combine my two favorite things – pizza and lists – into one blog post. Oh, and since I’m a teensy bit pissed at my husband, I thought we’d throw him in there too.

So today I give you 8 Reasons Why Pizza is Better Than My Husband:

1.  Pizza doesn’t expect you to cook. It expects you to eat.




2.  A pizza will never crawl into bed, bicker about who shuts out the light, flop around, kick its feet, mutter “Ah…bed, bed, bed, bed, bed” and then fall into a deep sleep with deafening bear snores.





3.  Pizza understands and accepts its mortality. It doesn’t get grouchy when it starts losing its hair either.




4.  You don’t have to pretend to give a shit about what a pizza accomplished at work.




5.  Pizza doesn’t get snappy with you when it has a bad day. If it did, you could silence it by eating it.




6.  Pizza doesn't care if you're to tired for sex.




7.  Even when pizza is in the house, you have total control over the remote. Pizza doesn’t even care if ESPN isn’t on the television.




8.  Pizza has a wonderful natural smell.



Okay, I kid. I don't REALLY think pizza is better than Bill, but you got to admit, pizza is awesome! 






Monday, July 21, 2014

Summer Recipes: Chocolate Chip Cookie Ice Cream Cake

Need an impressive, delicious dessert but don’t want to bake all day? This incredible ice cream cake is just what you’re looking for. Personally, I think it’s more of a pie but who wants to waste time splitting hairs over that because we’re talking about ice cream and we all scream for ice cream.

From Allrecipes, it’s great for birthdays and other special occasions, especially because you can change the flavor depending on the taste of the your guests. The best part, though, is how easy it is to make.

I can’t eat ice cream (Damn you dairy allergy!) but all summer long everyone else in my family looks for any excuse to eat it. This cake/pie is a great way to get your fix.


Chocolate Chip Ice Cream Cake

Ingredients

1 (18 ounce) package small chocolate chip cookies
¼ cup margarine, melted
1 cup hot fudge topping
2 quarts vanilla ice cream
1 cup whipped cream
12 cherries

Directions

Crush half the cookies (about 20) to make crumbs. Combine the crumbs with the melted margarine and press into the bottom of a 9-inch springform pan or pie plate. Stand remaining cookies around the edge of the pan.

Spread ¾ of the fudge topping over the crust. Freeze 15 minutes.

Meanwhile, soften 1 quart of ice cream in the microwave or on the counter top. After the crust has chilled, spread the softened ice cream over the fudge layer. Freeze 30 minutes.

Scoop the remaining quart of ice cream into balls and arrange over the spread ice cream layer. Freeze until firm, about 4 hours or overnight.

To serve, garnish with the remainder of the fudge topping, whipped cream and cherries. 

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Friday, July 18, 2014

18 Awesome Crafts You Can Make With Pool Noodles

Okay, I kid. By “awesome” I mean “utterly stupid and completely ridiculous.” Forgive me for the misleading title. That wasn't nice but honestly, did anyone really open this post hoping to learn how to make an “awesome” craft out of a pool noodle? Even if you love making stuff out of other stuff, you got to admit, using a pool noodle as a craft supply is odd.

Seriously, how did this start? Did someone buy a big old boatload of pool noodles and then at the end of summer went, “Oh crap. I better do something with these pool noodles real quick.”

I don't know about you, but when I look at a pool noodle I see a squishy, foamy thing I use to float around in the pool with or a modern day torture device. Surely you've also been smacked in the head with one at the public pool or spray in the face by a kid who thinks he's being funny by spitting water through the hole in the middle.

But then there are those imaginative people who look at pool noodles and see wreaths and pillows and bees and… oh, just scroll down and check it out for yourself. In the meantime, I’m going to ahead and file this under “Stupidest Things I Saw on Pinterest."


Logically, the pool noodle crafting craze started with wreaths like this one, which is kind of cute.





And this one, which isn't bad either if you think you should put feet things in places that aren't feet.







But then there's this:





Wreaths were only the beginning. If you've got a knife, some duct tape and a crap ton of time time, you can also use pool noodles to make toys for your kids. Like these bees -- with a FUN FLYING BEE ACTIVITY!





If your kids aren't into bees, there's always a pool noodle bike wash:




And this neat-o abacus that doubles as a garrote/trip wire combo:



You can also use your pool noodles for home decor. Pool noodle no-sew pillows, anyone? Why, they're just like "real" pillows only slightly less comfortable since they're made from POOL NOODLES.




For you religious folks there's the giant pool noodle rosary:





And the giant pool noodle menorah:



Here's where we wander straight into WTF territory with pool noodle fake FOOD, such as giant lollipops. 



And giant candy, which kind of resembles those no sew pillows.



And giany Popsicles, which kind of resemble colorful sex toys.



There's also fake cupcakes complete with a hot-glued choke-able cherry.



And wearable French fries.



Oh the endless possibilities when it comes to pool noodles! Do you want more fashion and home decor ideas? Of course you do. Don't you just love this purse with unusually large handles?




You could carry it when you wear this yellow pool noodle skirt.



If you still have any pool noodles left over when fall rolls around, you can decorate your house with these pool noodle pumpkins that you will have to always explain are pumpkins.



And finally, if you're searching for the perfect Halloween costume, I give you my personal favorite: The Magical Unicorn. Horrifying, sexy pool noodle fun!

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

The Most Pathetic Book Promotion You'll Ever Read

Hey you guys! I’ve got something to tell you. Earlier this month I accomplished something I’ve always wanted to do: I wrote and published a book.
That’s right! I did it. I really did it.


See the picture! That's MY NAME!! On a book cover!!

I’ll be perfectly honest with you, I don’t expect it to be a best seller nor do I expect it to top any charts. It’s my first book and there is MUCH room for improvement. At only 62 pages, it’s also a short book. But hey! I wrote a book! I managed to focus my energy, use my minimal writing and researching skills and cross something I’ve always wanted to do off my bucket list. 

Let me tell you something else: Book writing is hard! I have a new respect for Danielle Steele and Stephen King and ANYONE who is able to write books for a living. It is a lonely, solitary, mind numbing, mind blowing, frustrating career choice. But one I’d like to do more of in the future. 

Right now Decoding Disney: Finding the Most Magical Time to Visit is selling on Amazon. If you’re jealous because you think I’m going to be rich, don’t be. The book is currently selling for the special promotion price of $.99 -- of which I get a $.35 royalty for each one sold. Time to start shopping for that beach house. Har. Har.

All joking aside, if you’d like to check it out, you can buy it here: Decoding Disney World: Finding the Most Magical Time to Visit or by clicking on any of the numerous links I shamelessly included in this post.

Just so you know, the book is intended for people who are new to Disney World, have never visited and are planning their first trip. If you’ve already visited Disney World three or four times, you’re probably going to read it and go “I already know most of that” and be kind of pissed you spent that dollar.

Anyway if you do decide to buy it -- and I’m certainly not pressuring anyone – be sure to leave a glowing 5-star review even if you hate it. If you do me that little favor, I promise I won’t forget about you one day when I really am a rich and famous author. Honest, I mean that.

PS – If I get enough (good) reviews, maybe we’ll do something fun like have a giveaway for some $25 Disney gift cards. All blog readers who purchase the book and leave a (good) review will eligible to win. What do you think? Oh, and in case you’re wondering, I’m a slightly better book writer than I am book promoter.



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Monday, July 14, 2014

One Pot Monday: Slow Cooker Seafood Pasta


I don’t know about you, but for me, summer is the busiest time of the year. In the winter, we’re usually hunkering down in the house, occasionally venturing outside to shovel snow, buy groceries wander to the mall to take in a movie. i

In the winter I love to cook but in the summer, with so many outside activities, the last thing I want to do is be in the kitchen. That means my slow cooker is working overtime.

I love throwing in the ingredients for a meal and forgetting about it until dinner time. Some of my favorite staples revolve around pasta. It took me a while to get used to the idea that pasta based meals could be cooked in a Crock Pot, but once I did, it opened a whole new world of delicious and easy dinners.

Here’s one of our favorites:

Ingredients

3 cups frozen chopped broccoli
1 pound frozen bay scallops
¾ pound frozen, raw, peeled medium-size shrimp
2/3 cup low-sodium chicken broth
½ cup white wine
3 sprigs parsley
1 thickly sliced onion
½ pound angel hair pasta
7 tablespoons basil pesto


Directions

Coat the slow cooker bowl with nonstick cooking spray.

Arrange the broccoli on the bottom of the bowl, then top with frozen scallops and shrimp.

Pour broth and wine over top, then add parsley, onion and lemon.

Cover and cook on High for 2 hours or Low for 4 hours.

Drain and discard parsley, onion and lemon.

Meanwhile, cook pasta according to package, approximately 7 minutes. Reserve ½ cup of water. Drain pasta; place in large serving bowl.

Add seafood and pesto to pasta and toss well to combine, adding pasta water by the tablespoonful if needed.

Recipe and picture credit:  www.familycircle.com


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