Friday, January 23, 2015

Tom Brady's Saggy Balls (AKA #DeflateGate)

I’m going to preface this post by saying that it isn’t easy for me to talk about football because I know very little about it. That’s because football bores the crap out of me and I have never had, nor will I ever have, any desire for more than a basic knowledge about the sport.

That’s being said, I am aware of the latest scandal to rock the NFL. It’s being called #DeflateGate. In a nutshell, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady is being accused of illegally using saggy balls in last Sunday’s AFC Championship game against the Indianapolis Colts because saggy balls are apparently easier to grip than firm balls. (Apparently Colts quarterback Andrew Luck’s balls are firmer, rounder and much harder to grasp than Tom Brady’s.)

What started the investigation was a Tom Brady interception by Colts player D’Qwell Jackson. Jackson went to the sideline and immediately told members of the Colts personal that the ball felt funny. Jackson’s suspicion went all the way up the team and NFL ladders where it was taken extremely seriously.

As everyone in American probably knows, officials discovered that the Patriot’s footballs were deflated below the minimum allowable level, making them easier to hold on to in cold and wet weather. 

You probably also heard that twelve game balls were pulled and of those twelve, eleven of them weighed about two pounds less than what is legal. That probably didn’t happen by coincidence or accident and that’s probably cheating. The thing is, they don’t know who may have done it it, why it didn’t get caught and whether it was intentional.

Personally, I don’t give a rat’s ass about saggy balls. What I do give a rat’s ass about is cheating. Most people seem to feel that cheating is wrong and that since the NFL learned about this, it is their responsibility to punish Coach Bill Belichick and the Patriots organization. But there are people on the other side of the controversy who have pointed out that deflating the balls didn’t matter in the long run because the Colts were so awful that the Patriots won the game with a score of 45-7.

It is apparently also an open secret that practically every team messes with their balls in some way or another before games. (Word is that teams prefer their balls to be smaller and soft so they’re easier to hold, even for guys who have big hands and a strong grip.) Why should the Patriots take the fall for something practically everyone does?

Let’s address these one by one. To the folks who believe the Patriots would have won the game without saggy balls, if they’re so good, they wouldn’t need to cheat. Cheating implies that you’re not as great as you think you are. A true, confident team (or athlete) doesn’t need to do all that finagling to win because they know they’ve got the skills to win.

As for the fact that “everyone does it”, that isn’t good justification. The Patriots got caught. The other teams didn’t get caught. Therefore, the most sensible course of action would be to punish the Patriots and make an example out of them (Patriots response: Oh nuts!) to remind all their friends that this is not acceptable behavior. Then their friends will say, “I guess we better not do that so we don’t get punished too.”

That is how life works…or…that is how life should work. I mean, if you don’t punish someone who breaks the rules, then why do you have rules in the first place? 

I don't know about you, but I'm tired of hearing about it. I think it's time to go eat donuts.


Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Apparently Women Should Stop Wearing Yoga Pants Because They're To Lustful

Sometimes when I’m searching the internet looking for something to write about a story just reaches out and grabs me. It wraps opens its arms and whispers, “Shhh…you know you can’t resist me.” That is what happened this weekend when I read an article about a mom who declared leggings ‘lustful.’ 

Are you guys ready to read about either the most deluded or the most attention-wanting mom in the world? I had to read this story a few times because I'm confused by exactly what this husband and wife are trying to accomplish.

Christian blogger and Oregon mom, Veronica Partridge’s wrote in her blog of how her love of leggings was weighing “heavy on her heart” so she asked her husband, motivational speaker Dale Partridge (who I imagine is very difficult to make small talk with) his thoughts on leggings. According to Partridge her husband said, “When I walk into a place and there are women wearing yoga pants everywhere, it’s hard not to look. I don’t, but it’s not easy.”

With that singular confession of lust and arousal over what is essentially women’s shit-clothing, Partridge decided to ditch leggings for more modest clothes. Reading that, my soul responded: No. No way in hell. Why would she do that? The very thought of losing my leggings sent a chill straight up my spine. Black leggings are a lifeline for women like myself.

Not so for Partridge. In her world, if a man who “loves, honors and respects” her finds it hard to “keep his eyes focused ahead” then perhaps it is even harder for a man with less “self-control.” Partridge also asserted that “The only time I feel it is acceptable to wear them is if I am in the comfort of my own home or if I am wearing a shirt long enough to cover my rear end." She also feels that her “conscience is clear” and she is “honoring God and my husband in the way I dress.”

All I can say is thank goodness her husband was so honest about his strength and restraint when faced with the insurmountable task of ignoring those lust-inducing Satan pants.

I kid. Actually my first reaction was:

Oh, for… 

And then my eyes rolled back so far in my head I thought I would pass out.

Adults are entitled to wear, and not wear, whatever they please, but come onnnn. If certain clothes make you uncomfortable, don’t wear them and if you wear certain types of clothing because it’s prescribed by your faith, that’s fine. It’s between you and God. But the whole idea of becoming a wicked temptress who needs to dress modestly because the mere glimpse of a woman’s legging-clad body drives men to bestial needs? That’s ridiculous.

Also ridiculous is how Partridge didn't hold her husband accountable at all. Her reaction wasn't, "I would feel more respected by you if you DIDN’T STARE AT OTHER WOMEN’S ASSES!” it was ““Well shit. If you feel that way then all men must feel that way so I must do my part not to tempt them away from their wives.” 

Listen people, God put brains in our head for a reason. It’s so we can handle temptation and overcome it, not devote our lives to making sure a grown man never sees anything that could tempt him. Blaming the idea that men have no control over things isn't just stupid, it’s also lazy.

I’m not saying men don’t look. Here in the real world, men DO look, lust a little and then smile and carry on. We all know that. And I don't know about you, but as someone who lives in yoga pants, I personally don't care who stares at my ass. How do I even know when its happening?

I was going to hang out this afternoon in my black sexy sex pants and clean the house but I guess I’d better change. Perhaps I can find some non-lustful dungarees somewhere or throw a pair of unappealing sweatpants over my whore-slacks. I mean, it’s just me and the vacuum today, but you never know. Or maybe I can wear the leggings. After all, I will be in the comfort of my own home, so maybe God will be okay with me looking like a slut. There’s no children and men here so I won’t taint their innocent minds with my sexy body. 

Oh, what to do!


Saturday, January 17, 2015

A Short Story About Persistence, Dedication, Hard Work and Getting the Job Done

I am a good person who goes through life obeying laws and using sharp instruments responsibly. I am also married to a man who can be kind of…how can I say this...not very bright at times. As in you have to really spell things out for him – not because he actually is dumb, but because he’s very literal. But whatever. We've learned to live with that. He’s a good guy and as far as I know he hasn't taken part in any extramarital activities. If he did and if I caught him, I'd be hurt and angry and may threaten to cut his penis off but I wouldn't actually do it.

That wasn't the case for Fan Lung, a married father of five in China, and his 21-year old wife Feng. Feng was also not very bright about certain things things. For instance, when Feng caught Fan cheating, she cut off his penis. You would think Fan would get the message that his wife frowned on that sort of behavior, learn a lesson and change his ways. Except that, no.

Things initially got ugly between the two when Feng discovered that her husband was cheating on her after finding an email from Fan to his mistress on her phone. See, Fan was using Feng’s phone to contact the other woman and forgot to log out of his account when he was done.

Seriously Fan.

Understandably, Feng was pissed, but maybe she should have phoned a friend, or taken an aerobics class or had a rom-com movie marathon while crying into a carton of ice cream or anything other than what she did next, which was to use a pair of scissors to cut off Feng’s penis while he was sleeping. Things were looking up for Feng when he was taken to the hospital and doctors were able to reattach his penis.

Now, you would think this story would end here, the same way as it did for John Bobbitt. Well, wait. After John’s “incident” his story didn't exactly end. He went on to form a band called The Severed Parts, appeared in a couple porn films, did some promos for the World Wrestling Federation and then worked as a bartender, limo driver, mover, pizza delivery man and tow truck operator along with a stint serving at a wedding chapel as a minister. Just a regular penile amputee getting on with his life.

As for Fan, a few hours after his unit was reattached, Feng snuck into his hospital room, cut off his penis again and threw it out the window. (Note to any of Feng’s perspective employers, she is persistent, dedicated, works hard, determined to get the job done and isn't afraid of blood.)

Fan clearly had enough of the whole penis-cutting thing and chased his wife out of the hospital and into the street, where the hospital staff found him fighting. What they didn’t find, however, was Fan’s penis. From the New York Post:

Despite desperate search efforts, authorities were unable to find Lung’s manhood. Police believe it may have been stumbled upon by a stray dog or cat.
Turns out it was a banner day for stray animals in China and a super unlucky day for Fan Lung.

Feng has been arrested and charged with committing “grievous bodily harm.” Fan is in stable condition and his girlfriend plans to marry him as soon as possible.

In the end, a cheating husband loses his penis, his scorned wife ends up in prison where it’s highly doubtful anyone will ever mess with her and the other woman gets the pleasure of marrying a man with five kids, no penis and an ex-wife in jail.

The End

PS – How did Feng manage to cut off an entire penis with a pair of scissors two times before Fan woke up? Shouldn’t they be harder to detach than that? How was Fan able to chase Fen after having his penis lobbed off for the second time? How does a man with no penis pee? The exit point seems like it would be inconveniently located. How is it possible they had five kids? Doesn’t’ China have a one-child policy?
I have nothing but questions.


Wednesday, January 14, 2015

10 Things Only Someone With the Winter Blues Would Understand

(AKA A Whiny Post About Hating Winter)

I don’t know about where you live, but where I live, winter is a long, cold miserable season. Here in Pennsylvania and the winters are notoriously punishing. They can last anywhere from four to six months with ice, snow and barely any daylight. Sure you can go ice skating or take up some other winter sport or even bundle up and take a winter walk, but that can’t happen every day and all of that time stuck indoors can definitely bring on a case of the winter blues.

It seems to be even worse for me (Whine! Whine!) because I work from home. I don’t have to go anywhere, and why on earth would I risk going out when it’s 14 degrees and they’re calling for 2 to 4 inches? That means I’m dealing with a certain level of boredom and stir-craziness. I don’t mean to sound whiny, but I dread the three months after Christmas and have a really low tolerance for things like: 

The never-ending boredom that winter brings. There are only so many indoor activities I can do. I’m a bad enough driver on dry roads. Operating a vehicle in snowy weather is not the best idea. Besides, there’s not a whole lot to do anyway. All I can say is that our house is super clean between January and March and a whole lot of new recipes are tried. Yesterday’s attempt: Black bean brownies. (Epic fail, by the way. They tasted good but I made them on the same day I made chili and my family ate a whole lot of beans in one meal. Totally not worth it.

How pale can I get? Another month of no sun and I’m going to start looking anemic and in need of a blood transfusion.

The panic that creeps in when Justin has to drive on the snow. When my child is away at school, I can pretend he parks his car until April when things begin to thaw. But during Christmas break, when he’s home for a month, he’s out somewhere Every. Single. Day.

It’s Hard to Get to the Gym. Working from home is extremely isolating and I need to make time to interact with other people, which is something I do at the gym. 

But when the roads are treacherous, staying home and jogging up and down the steps while talking to myself is one of my few options for companionship and calorie burning. Of course, I could shovel the driveway. Except that…

Shoveling the driveway is the worst. Some people may not mind being outside in the snow and cold, but I do. I always suck it up and shovel the driveway when necessary but I don’t have much patience when it’s so cold and wet out that icicles are hanging off my hair. Le Sigh.

Winter gloves, coats, hats, scarfs and boots are everywhere. Let it be known: I hate clutter and in case you haven't noticed, winter brings tons of clutter. Our little entry way and hall closet are stuffed to the gills this time of year and we have a constant rotation of outdoor clothing in the washer and dryer. The only thing I was lacking in my life was MORE DAMN LAUNDRY!

Scraping off the car just to get groceries is huge pain in the ass. We have three people in our family, four cars (because someone had to have a mid-life crisis sports car) and a two-car garage. The sports car goes into storage for the winter but when Justin is home on a month-long winter break, one car has to be parked on the driveway. That is fine for good weather, but when the temperatures are below freezing, chiseling the ice off the car for a short trip to buy bread and milk is immensely irritating.

Winter feels so endless that I actually start to miss cutting the grass. And smelling grass…and seeing grass. By the time February rolls around, I start to wonder if we will ever see the sun or feel warm temperatures again. This is when I become seriously restless. If I had one wish, it would be to immediately move to a warm climate (hello Florida!!) or wipe January, February and March off the calendar. Sorry if you’re celebrating a birthday then. We can give you a better one.

I start to lose it. This is beyond typical boredom. I am talking about genuinely not knowing what to do with myself. To keep my sanity, I do things like watch YouTube videos so I can learn to dance like the Brady Bunch kids when they went on that talent show and called themselves The Silver Platters.

I keep reminding myself that winter can’t last forever. While rocking back and forth in a corner, sobbing quietly while surrounded by wet coats and gloves.On the bright side, I get to wear comfy pj pants all day, have time to practice yoga and meditation and enjoy revisiting a few life-changing books I discovered many years ago. But I still HATE WINTER!!


Monday, January 12, 2015

5 Reasons New Year’s Resolutions Are Pointless

Last Monday's blog was my Top 10 New Year’s Resolutions, aka a half-assed pledge to be semi-productive in 2015 by doing things like sleeping more and vacuuming the car. I do not, as a rule, make New Years resolutions because I think resolutions are stupid and would like to call for an end to those ridiculous promises.

Sure they seem great on New Year’s Eve, even better when we're hung over on New Year’s Day and still pretty good by the middle of January. But by the time the Super Bowl comes around and we're ramming nachos into our mouth, our dreams of self-improvement have disappeared faster than a wiener in a hot dog eating contest.

Falling prey to resolution delusion is human nature. Everyone wants to improve themselves, but here are 5 reasons why you shouldn't bother making New Year’s promises.

January 1st is a terrible start date. It seems like a great day to start new, after all, it’s the first day of the New Year and it marks the end of holiday partying parties, holiday food and holiday alcohol It’s the purge after the binge!

Except that it isn't. When it comes to making a significant lifestyle change, either you’re ready to do it RIGHT NOW or you aren't. January 1 isn't going to roll around and make it any easier to start logging treadmill time. If you can’t make smart choices before January 1, the chances of making a sustainable change on January 1 are slim. That’s because…

You just aren't ready to make a lifestyle change. Here's a truth bomb: New Year’s resolutions are usually sincere. People don’t say to themselves, “I'm going to take a quick stab at saving money, but if I'm not rich by February, I QUIT! ”

Most people DO want to save money. They DO want to be in shape. They DO want to quit smoking. The thing is, they aren't committed to those goals by the time the New Year rolls around. You have to be ready to start making lifestyle changes immediately, even if in modified form. While January 1 signifies the start of a new calendar, actual change starts with your internal clock, and that clock is already ticking.

Traces of the holiday remain. It’s not like POOF! all physical remnants of Christmas magically disappear at midnight on January 1. When you wake up after New Year’s Eve, there are still candy canes and boxes of chocolates lying around. And never mind the fruitcake, which can last for decadesYou've just spend the past six weeks stuffing your pie hole with all kinds of crap and your body has become accustomed to a steady stream sugar and sloth. Go ahead and go cold turkey and start eating salads for lunch. I’m sure it’ll be as easy as…pie. Or a piece of cake.

We set our expectations too high. You can’t approach your goals with an all or nothing” mentality. There's nothing wrong with aiming high but occasionally have to accept that there are some targets that aren't reachable, need modification or will take more time than you originally planned. 

Wanting to lose 20 pounds is awesome -- but taking a pissy bitch fit and giving up by mid-February because you haven’t seen enough of a change is a thousand times wrong. It’s so wrong, we might need to open up a window and let some of the wrong out. Change takes time, perseverance and commitment. Without those things…

Momentum dies fast. I to the gym on a pretty regular basis, but I tend to work out more at home during the month of January. Why? Because I know the treadmills and free weights will be occupied from dusk to dawn with people who made a New Year’s resolution to “get in shape.” But by February, the gym will be nearly empty again and I can return to my routine in relative peace.

If you remember anything from this post, let it be this: You don’t need to wait until January 1 to make changes in your life. You can get up from your desk or bed or comfy couch and do something right now – anytime – even on a random day like June 2, if you want.

The key is to figure out what’s making you unhappy and start the journey of changing it. Instead of resolving to make major changes RIGHT NOW, promise yourself  that you will be in a different place in your life next year by changing a little bit every single day.

That's my plan and I'm sticking to it!