Thursday, February 12, 2015

Perhaps It's Time To Retire My Favorite Swear Words

Well, damn. I never thought much about my swearing but now that we're almost two months into a new year and I'm trying to become a better person,  I think it’s time to bite the f**cking bullet and tone down my potty mouth. Why the do I want to stop cussing now, you’re wondering? Because the one day not to long ago, I was listening to a female acquaintance speak and every other word out of her mouth was f&%k and sh$t and DAMN! it didn’t sound good.

I walked away thinking: “Is that what I sound like?” I hope not because holy hell, she sounded like a psychopath. I know I have my crazy moments, but one of the last things I want is to sound like is a psychopath -- so I vow for 2015 that I will curb my cussing.

In case you're wondering why I swear so much, let me start by telling you that I didn’t grow up with adults saying bad words in front of me. I learned a few bad words when I was about 8 and a 12 year old friend gave us younger neighborhood kids a lesson – and not just on the milder stuff. I used never used those words in elementary school or middle school but once I reached tenth grade and started in a new school, that rule went out the f**king window.

Back then, everyone swore and said the word “Fag.” If you didn’t like someone they were a “fag.” If you had on weird jeans, they were “jeans a fag would wear.” I’m not saying it’s right to use “fag” as a catchall description for anything you believe is old, fat, boring, stupid or ugly. I’m saying that is what we idiot teenagers did in the early 1980s. Everyone else was doing it so I did it too.

I was also small and always the youngest in my class so for a while people assumed I was sweet and complacent and good like the other small, smart girls. Oh, I was small alright, but I was also angry – about all those things teen girls get angry about and then a few more (mainly my home life.) I was also not really interested in complying with what everyone thought I should be. Saying bad words in casual conversation (and out of earshot of the teachers) became my first way of showing my peers I was bigger on the inside.

As I aged into my 20s, I sharpened my tongue a little more as protective armor. “You can’t push this girl around, motherf**kers!” was what I was implying. Never mind the fact that inside, I was the most insecure woman on the Earth. Of course I also enjoyed using swear words for other reasons. They were excellent, cathartic releases for anger, frustration, joy and surprise. Did you know swear words also help us avoid physical violence? Even chimps use gestures and sounds to warn others not to get on their last nerve. Sometimes that’s enough to avoid a physical fight. I’m not talking about the kind of bad words meant to insult others. Just the ones that convey the strongest emotion in a given situation.

Lately though, I’m realizing that I’m no longer fighting that stereotype. I’m almost 50 years old and I don’t need to prove to anyone that I’m tough. It’s not cute if I scream at an a**hole teenage driver speeding through our neighborhood to “slow the f**k down" and I don’t hear anyone laughing when I rant about the s**tty service at the McDonald’s drive thru window -- instead they're probably spitting all over my hamburger. The truth is when I swear now, I sound like a grown-ass woman with no self-control or manners. It's just...not classy.

It’s taken me a long time to realize this, but I just need to be me -- an impatient, hardworking and fairly nice person who may have a few anger issues around a certain time of month. (I am pretty easy to get along with the rest of the time.) And lately, I’m also someone who gets annoyed listening to people who use the word “f**king” before every noun in a sentence -- F**cking dog, f**cking job, f**cking dinner, f**king girlfriend.  (*AHEM* group of college-aged boys at the gym every evening around 6 pm.)

So goddamn mother**king s**t, I’m going to have to get this urge to swear out of my system and find a more delicate way to express myself. I’m a writer for f**ck’s sake. Finding new words shouldn't be too hard, right?


Thursday, January 29, 2015

10 Middle Age Cliches That Are Totally True

Being middle-aged is a very individual experience for all of us. It means something different to everyone. However, there are certain middle-aged clichés that really seem to hold true no matter who you are. These tired (but true) middle-age-isms are the stuff of sitcoms, stand-up-comedy-magazine headlines and TV commercials. They might be annoying, but they’re all sadly accurate.

How many of them apply to you?

You’re tired. Remember all that energy you had in your 20s? Yeah, well no further elaboration needed. If you’re over age 45 and not frequently exhausted, please tell me your secrets. I’ll buy you coffee. Or wine.

You gain weight just looking at food. A decade ago, if I wanted to drop 10 pounds, I’d just stop eating donuts for a few days. These days weight loss involves near-starvation and exercising until I'm a few minutes from death.

Muffin Top. It just sucks. The end.

Less hair on your head. But more hair in places where it shouldn't be. Chin hairs anyone?

A love affair with yoga pants. What’s not to love? Their comfy and versatile…although not always flattering.

Reading glasses. I confess: I have them and I wear them on a chain around my neck. Really, I do.

You get more set in your ways. When I was in my 20s, I swore I would not do this. Turns out I’m a jerk for thinking that because holy shit y’all! I've morphed into someone who follows a set routine, likes things a certain way and has a medium-sized freak out when deviation occurs.

Physical deterioration WILL occur. You can slow it down by throwing all kinds of money at a dermatologist, a plastic surgeon and a person trainer but you can’t STOP aging. It’s just one of those ugly hard truths. At some point you have no choice but to accept your elderly-ness and know you tried your best.

You have less interest in sex. If you’re a menopausal woman, that is. Yuck. A thousand times yuck.

All the celebrities you have a secret crush on are younger than you. This isn’t a cliché as much as a personal observation. Holy crap, right?

Monday, January 26, 2015

10 People You'll Meet At the Gym In January

Hey you guys! We've been talking about New Year's Resolutions a little this month and I have to ask: Did you join a gym? If you're like most of the population, your number one goal is to be healthier in the new year. Big thumbs up to anyone who’s ready to drop a few pounds and joined a gym in an effort to become leaner and healthier.

But oh the gym!

If you're a newbie, prepare yourself because you are going to see some things you can't ever un-see. Gyms are sweaty, smelly places with their own (hilarious) etiquette rules and personalities. (Everyone gets a turn on the treadmill, damn it!) Regardless of whether you've joined a fancy upscale city gym or a small local workout center, there are certain types of people you'll always find there. 

Let's run through the 10 most common:

The Person Who's Trying to Do the Least Amount of Exercise Possible. He or she walks on the treadmill or rides a bike for minimal time and at minimal speed to avoid breaking a sweat.

The Wolf Whistler. You don't need to wear a shirt letting everyone know you're an asshole. We all figured it out pretty quickly.

The Girl Who Puts on Makeup to Go to the Gym. I admit, I do this and have been ridiculed for it but honestly, I don't think it's that big of a deal. (I even blogged about it a while back.) But since some people find it annoying, it's on the list. Go ahead and make fun of me. I'm still going to wear makeup when I work out. Without it feel like an ugly duckling on steroids.

The Non-Stop Talker. She's the obnoxiously loud treadmill socialite who's happy to share the most intimate details of her life with any stranger in the gym, spoil the latest movie and keep you up to date on all the latest gossip on celebrities, her sex life, her annoying neighbors and even other gym members. The only thing that ever gets a real workout is her mouth.

Skinny Leg Guy. Doing lower-body work properly is demanding both physically and mentally. It hurts. It taxes your cardiovascular system and your lower-body muscles burn like an inferno. By the time you're done, you're wondering if you have the energy to walk out of the gym. In a nutshell leg day sucks...but it also keeps you from looking like this chicken-legged idiot.

The Woman in the Locker Room Who Has no Body Insecurities and Will Strike up a Convo With You Completely Naked. In the locker room, I'm normally naked for as little time as possible, engaging in a method of covering up while changing clothes that employs a few minor gymnastics moves. Other people are a lot less insecure...or just don't understand the awkwardness their nakedness causes. I'm going to venture into weird territory here, but is there a female version of "pecker checker?" You don't want to look -- really -- but sometimes, you know, you can't help yourself. Especially if it's (literally) in your face.

The Person Who Has No Idea How to Use Any of the Equipment. True confession: this has happened to me...more than once.

Anyone Who Never Racks Their Weights. How annoying is it to walk up to an available bench only to find there are four plates on each side? Now you're doing a workout before your workout because some douche bag was too lazy to strip down the bar.

The High Schoolers. These are boys, usually of high school or college age, who travel in packs of three to five. They don't have a clue as to what they're doing. They show up and believe the goal of weight lifting is to show off for their friends by lifting as much weight as they can by whatever means necessary. The concept of proper lifting technique never occurs to them. Instead, they hover together around one bench and spend about 10 percent of their time lifting and the rest shouting encouragement to their buddies and bragging about how much they drank last weekend while constantly dropping the F-bomb.

The Unsolicited Advice Giver. I'm all for helpful tips when it comes to working out, but unless you are my personal trainer, I don't want to hear your best "advice" in the middle of my workout. First, it's distracting. If I'm focused on a treadmill workout, the last thing I want to hear is a voice behind me, especially if I'm wearing headphones and you need to tape me on the shoulder to get my attention. (Yes this has happened.) Second, any advice givers might not know what I'm hoping to achieve with my workout. And finally (and slightly indignantly,) if I want help, I'll ask!


An Open Letter to the Jackoff At the Gym

Fat Reducing Soap??!! I Got To Get Me Some of That!

Nobody Will Every Call Me a Cougar Because I'm Actually More of a Sloth

Great Reasons to NOT Exercise (Yes, I said not!)

Woman Sues LA Fitness For Making Her Do Sexually Suggestive Exercises


Friday, January 23, 2015

Tom Brady's Saggy Balls (AKA #DeflateGate)

I’m going to preface this post by saying that it isn’t easy for me to talk about football because I know very little about it. That’s because football bores the crap out of me and I have never had, nor will I ever have, any desire for more than a basic knowledge about the sport.

That’s being said, I am aware of the latest scandal to rock the NFL. It’s being called #DeflateGate. In a nutshell, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady is being accused of illegally using saggy balls in last Sunday’s AFC Championship game against the Indianapolis Colts because saggy balls are apparently easier to grip than firm balls. (Apparently Colts quarterback Andrew Luck’s balls are firmer, rounder and much harder to grasp than Tom Brady’s.)

What started the investigation was a Tom Brady interception by Colts player D’Qwell Jackson. Jackson went to the sideline and immediately told members of the Colts personal that the ball felt funny. Jackson’s suspicion went all the way up the team and NFL ladders where it was taken extremely seriously.

As everyone in American probably knows, officials discovered that the Patriot’s footballs were deflated below the minimum allowable level, making them easier to hold on to in cold and wet weather. 

You probably also heard that twelve game balls were pulled and of those twelve, eleven of them weighed about two pounds less than what is legal. That probably didn’t happen by coincidence or accident and that’s probably cheating. The thing is, they don’t know who may have done it it, why it didn’t get caught and whether it was intentional.

Personally, I don’t give a rat’s ass about saggy balls. What I do give a rat’s ass about is cheating. Most people seem to feel that cheating is wrong and that since the NFL learned about this, it is their responsibility to punish Coach Bill Belichick and the Patriots organization. But there are people on the other side of the controversy who have pointed out that deflating the balls didn’t matter in the long run because the Colts were so awful that the Patriots won the game with a score of 45-7.

It is apparently also an open secret that practically every team messes with their balls in some way or another before games. (Word is that teams prefer their balls to be smaller and soft so they’re easier to hold, even for guys who have big hands and a strong grip.) Why should the Patriots take the fall for something practically everyone does?

Let’s address these one by one. To the folks who believe the Patriots would have won the game without saggy balls, if they’re so good, they wouldn’t need to cheat. Cheating implies that you’re not as great as you think you are. A true, confident team (or athlete) doesn’t need to do all that finagling to win because they know they’ve got the skills to win.

As for the fact that “everyone does it”, that isn’t good justification. The Patriots got caught. The other teams didn’t get caught. Therefore, the most sensible course of action would be to punish the Patriots and make an example out of them (Patriots response: Oh nuts!) to remind all their friends that this is not acceptable behavior. Then their friends will say, “I guess we better not do that so we don’t get punished too.”

That is how life works…or…that is how life should work. I mean, if you don’t punish someone who breaks the rules, then why do you have rules in the first place? 

I don't know about you, but I'm tired of hearing about it. I think it's time to eat donuts.


Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Apparently Women Should Stop Wearing Yoga Pants Because They're To Lustful

Sometimes when I’m searching the internet looking for something to write about a story just reaches out and grabs me. It wraps opens its arms and whispers, “Shhh…you know you can’t resist me.” That is what happened this weekend when I read an article about a mom who declared leggings ‘lustful.’ 

Are you guys ready to read about either the most deluded or the most attention-wanting mom in the world? I had to read this story a few times because I'm confused by exactly what this husband and wife are trying to accomplish.

Christian blogger and Oregon mom, Veronica Partridge’s wrote in her blog of how her love of leggings was weighing “heavy on her heart” so she asked her husband, motivational speaker Dale Partridge (who I imagine is very difficult to make small talk with) his thoughts on leggings. According to Partridge her husband said, “When I walk into a place and there are women wearing yoga pants everywhere, it’s hard not to look. I don’t, but it’s not easy.”

With that singular confession of lust and arousal over what is essentially women’s shit-clothing, Partridge decided to ditch leggings for more modest clothes. Reading that, my soul responded: No. No way in hell. Why would she do that? The very thought of losing my leggings sent a chill straight up my spine. Black leggings are a lifeline for women like myself.

Not so for Partridge. In her world, if a man who “loves, honors and respects” her finds it hard to “keep his eyes focused ahead” then perhaps it is even harder for a man with less “self-control.” Partridge also asserted that “The only time I feel it is acceptable to wear them is if I am in the comfort of my own home or if I am wearing a shirt long enough to cover my rear end." She also feels that her “conscience is clear” and she is “honoring God and my husband in the way I dress.”

All I can say is thank goodness her husband was so honest about his strength and restraint when faced with the insurmountable task of ignoring those lust-inducing Satan pants.

I kid. Actually my first reaction was:

Oh, for… 

And then my eyes rolled back so far in my head I thought I would pass out.

Adults are entitled to wear, and not wear, whatever they please, but come onnnn. If certain clothes make you uncomfortable, don’t wear them and if you wear certain types of clothing because it’s prescribed by your faith, that’s fine. It’s between you and God. But the whole idea of becoming a wicked temptress who needs to dress modestly because the mere glimpse of a woman’s legging-clad body drives men to bestial needs? That’s ridiculous.

Also ridiculous is how Partridge didn't hold her husband accountable at all. Her reaction wasn't, "I would feel more respected by you if you DIDN’T STARE AT OTHER WOMEN’S ASSES!” it was ““Well shit. If you feel that way then all men must feel that way so I must do my part not to tempt them away from their wives.” 

Listen people, God put brains in our head for a reason. It’s so we can handle temptation and overcome it, not devote our lives to making sure a grown man never sees anything that could tempt him. Blaming the idea that men have no control over things isn't just stupid, it’s also lazy.

I’m not saying men don’t look. Here in the real world, men DO look, lust a little and then smile and carry on. We all know that. And I don't know about you, but as someone who lives in yoga pants, I personally don't care who stares at my ass. How do I even know when its happening?

I was going to hang out this afternoon in my black sexy sex pants and clean the house but I guess I’d better change. Perhaps I can find some non-lustful dungarees somewhere or throw a pair of unappealing sweatpants over my whore-slacks. I mean, it’s just me and the vacuum today, but you never know. Or maybe I can wear the leggings. After all, I will be in the comfort of my own home, so maybe God will be okay with me looking like a slut. There’s no children and men here so I won’t taint their innocent minds with my sexy body. 

Oh, what to do!