I Think I'm Having an Identity Crisis!

It's no secret that I miss Justin. I think I've mentioned that in nearly every post since he left for college and if it's getting old, I apologize. Yesterday I was having an exceptionally down day and after some thought, realized that there is more to what I'm feeling than just missing my kid. It seems I'm also having a bit of an identity crisis.

First day of 3rd grade. (I miss taking the first-day-of-school picture.)

Since Justin was born, although I always worked, my main role has been “mother.” Although Bill did a great job helping with parenting duties, a large percentage of it fell on my shoulders. Mothers are typically the ones in the family who keep everyone organized and keep the household moving. Ours was no exception. I was the one who woke Justin each morning, fed him and off got him to school, helped with homework and school projects, got soccer, basketball and baseball snacks ready when it was our turn and as he got older made sure he came home on time, wore his retainer and drove safely. (Giving never ending lectures on the last two.) It was an exhausting time. More than once I referred to our house as Crazy Town and there were many times I silently complained about our busy schedule and wished I could spend some time in a quiet house, alone.

Things change drastically when your kid leaves for college. Although I'm still a mother - and always will be - I don't feel like I'm doing much mothering any more. This became especially evident when the neighborhood kids went back to school this fall.  When I hear them walking to the bus stop each morning I'm reminded of how that part of my life has ended.

Because I work from home, I am longer required to wake up at particular time and have the option of sleeping to noon, although I never have. (Lately I've had an issue with insomnia and wake up earlier than usual.) The reality is, when Justin left for school I lost a big chunk of my responsibilities and part of my identity. It's an odd feeling – a mixture of anticipation at what the future will bring, boredom with the new daily routine and guilt. (I don't understand where the guilt is coming from or what I feel guilty about. For not being so busy? For having less clothes to wash?  For being able to focus on my regular job in a way I haven't been able to do for 10 years?)

First day of 4th grade.

Last night I asked Bill what type of changes he has experienced since Justin left for college. He said that he misses going to Justin's baseball games.

That's it.

While I had to make the transition from managing Crazy Town to figuring out who I am without a kid to take care of, Bill's life and his daily routine - the one he has had for 20 years - has pretty much remained unchanged. There is also the fact that his hormones aren't freaking out and making him emotional and that his body is not giving him constant reminders that he is aging like mine is. (aka The Change.)

It seems that recently there has been too much change in my life. Some days I embrace it and even enjoy it. Other days it scares me and leaves me longing for my old life. I never thought I would say this, but I've been missing those crazy, exhausting days. Over the past month I've learned that no matter how much you think you're prepared for this stage of your life, you really aren't (or at least I wasn't.) My challenge now is to figure out who I am, what I like, what I'd like to do and then do it without feeling guilty. I'll be pondering that stuff over the weekend and let you know how it goes.

Have you ever experienced anything like this?  How did you cope or plan on coping when your last child leaves for college?  You can find me on Facebook, Twitter or email me at mcginn8@yahoo.com.  Have a happy Friday and a great weekend!