Parenting a Teenager - Do You Have Control Issues?

Visiting Justin at Marietta last weekend was an eye opening experience. One of the greatest feelings a parent can have after sending their kid to college is to see them living independently, working hard and making new friends. For me it was bittersweet. Yes I was proud to see how well Justin has adjusted to college life but I also realized how much I'm struggling with the lack of control I now have over him and the fact that I'm not around him to remind (okay nag) about certain things.

Bill and I have always tried to parent in a way that encouraged responsibility and independence. We've never had any issues about what time Justin went to bed because he always got there on his own between 9 and 10 pm on school nights. We always let him choose what he wanted to wear, even if it was something we didn't particularly like, and throughout high school Justin never had a curfew because we could always trust him to come in at a reasonable time. Of course there were some bumps in the road - a period of back talk, a smart mouth, a cocky attitude, selfishness – but for the most part Justin was a good kid.

Did you put enough sunblock on?

Worrying, sometimes excessively, about Justin is something I've wrestled with since he was born. (I wrote about it in a previous blog. You can read about it here.) Right now, my biggest worry is his stubbornness or forgetfulness when it comes to little things that he knows he should do but doesn't. 

Wearing his retainer is a big one. I don't mean to keep harping on the subject, but those braces were expensive and straightening his teeth was process which started in eighth grade, didn't end until his senior year and involved surgery. (He had a molar that was growing out of the roof of his mouth that needed to be moved into the right place and we delayed taking his senior picture until the last possible minute because he didn't want to be wearing braces in it.) You would think that after hundreds of dentist visits and hours of pain, taking a few seconds to stick a retainer in his mouth before bed would be an automatic response. Except it isn't.

Taking his asthma medicine is another ongoing issue. Every day, since he was diagnosed at age 5, I have said these words: Did you take your medicine? His answer is always “Yes.” (There were several years when he needed to take a dose during school hours.) But there was the time when Justin was in seventh grade and had a six month check up which tested his lung function. His results came back extremely low. So low the doctor looked concerned. After a few minutes of questioning, Justin admitted that he sometimes forgot to take his medicine at school. Meaning he didn't take it more often than he did.  Last weekend we brought him another 30 day supply of asthma medicine because he should have been running out at the end of this month. Instead, he had almost two weeks worth left – meaning he missed several doses.

Put some vegetables on that plate! No more soda!  (Nag, nag, nag.)

This stuff doesn't make sense to me. The retainer is one thing but forgetting to take his medicine drives me up the wall. It's not like forgetting to take a vitamin. He needs the medicine to breathe...to live! Apparently the Christmas he spent in the ICU wasn't enough to drive that point home. My question is, how do you drive that point home, because clearly I've failed.

Sometimes I think Justin "forgets" to do those things as a way of sending a passive you-can't-tell-me-what-to-do message. I'm actually thinking I should stop the reminding/nagging but the parent in me wants – needs – to say those things. Saying them makes me feel like I still have some control over a kid who is now living on his own.

Is what I'm experiencing normal?  Am I control freak?  Are all kids that forgetful or is mine an exception?

You can find me on Facebook, Twitter or email me at mcginn8@yahoo.com.  Happy Friday!

My Love/Hate Relationship With Exercise - And a Little Secret

Do you exercise regularly? I do. I hit the gym at least five days per week, log about 4 miles on the treadmill each trip and spend about 20 minutes lifting weights. Sounds great but I'll be honest, I'm not a fan of exercising. It's boring, it makes my body hurt and much of the time I'd rather be at home, laying on the couch eating potato chips. But I push myself each day because I still haven't given up hope that I can have Jennifer Aniston's body without surgery and without eliminating bacon from my diet. (I know, keep dreaming girlfriend!)

I also hit the gym for the social aspect. Because I work from home, I spend the majority of my time alone on the computer. When Justin was small and needy and most afternoons consisted of me trying to work while he and three friends ran around the house, I used to fantasize about what it would be like to work without 37,000 interruptions. Now that I'm living the dream, I can tell you that it is very isolating.  In the late afternoon, there is always someone at the gym to talk to, complain to or laugh with. (My treadmill buddy Erin just started her own blog called Kitchen Bitchin. You can check it out here.)

What I rarely discuss and one of the main reasons I go to the gym is because I have a tendency towards a mild form of depression called dysthymia and found that regular exercise helps to keep it controlled. Over the years I tried different methods to manage my depression. I saw three therapists and each had a different theory on why it was occurring. (None made sense.) One doctor recommend an anti-depressant. I took it for two weeks and ended up having every side effect listed and a few that weren't. I threw the pills out after I woke one morning with huge, dilated pupils. Once I volunteered to participate in a research study on women under 35 with minor depression. I spent weeks answering pages of multiple choice questions. While it's great the study furthered research on depression, it did nothing to help me. The best part of the experience was the stop I'd make at the Oakmont Bakery on my way home.

About 12 years ago, ironically while I was waiting to see a therapist, I read a magazine article on how exercise can help reduce the symptoms of depression. According to the article, studies showed that regular exercise releases chemicals called endorphins, which encourage a more positive and energizing outlook on life. The following evening I started following the program outlined in the magazine.  I walked an hour a day, every day and after a few weeks I noticed I was feeling better. I still stick to that routine, skipping walks only when I'm sick, and my depression symptoms have pretty much disappeared. (I've also noticed that if I miss three or four days consecutive days of exercise, the blues start creeping back.)

Initially I hesitated to mention my experience with depression because of the stigma. I once confided in a “friend' and she reacted unfavorably. (I quickly “unfriended” her.) For the record, depression is nothing to be ashamed of. Anyone who doesn't understand that is not worth your time. (Brooke Shields, Drew Carey and Harrison Ford have all admitted to suffering from depression.)  Since I started this blog, my goal has been to present the issues facing a 40-ish woman as honestly as possible and depression as been a part of my life for 20 years. And I'm not alone. Thirty million people in the United States have been diagnosed with depression and 118 million prescriptions for antidepressants are written each year.

Have you been diagnosed with depression? Have you been able to manage it with exercise or other “non-chemical” methods? If you'd like to share your experiences you can find me on Facebook, Twitter or email me at mcginn8@yahoo.com.

Have a happy day!

This Weekend We Visited Justin at Marietta!

Happy Monday! 

Hope you had a nice weekend. We spent a few days in Marietta, OH visiting Justin. The weather was beautiful with temperatures in the mid 70s on Saturday and upper 70s on Sunday.  Here a few highlights from our trip.

Love how they personalized their room with duct tape!

We got to Marietta around 7 pm Friday night.  A three hour trip turned into 4-1/2 hours with miles of traffic and two overturned trucks (thankfully no one was hurt.) 

Once we got to the college we checked out Justin's dorm, where he and four friends were playing video games. It was cramped with seven people in there but pretty clean. Afterward Bill, Justin and I went to Applebee's for a late dinner. We kicked back and caught up on how Justin adjusted to college life. There were definitely no problems in that area. Justin has always been adaptable and makes friends easily.

On Saturday morning Justin had a baseball game scheduled for 9:30 but it was canceled because it had rained most of the night.  When he called us at our hotel to let us know, I suggested that we go out to breakfast and Justin said he wanted to go back to bed.  Let's just say that did not go over well and I morphed into the mother I swore I would never be. The first words out of my mouth were "We drove for three hours to see you and you can't join us for breakfast!" Yep, I laid on the guilt trip. It was one of those situations where you regret the words you're saying as they're coming out of your mouth but you still can't stop yourself from saying them. Justin and I had a very curt phone conversation which ended with "Fine! Whatever! See you later!"

It was a not-so-proud parenting moment on my part and Bill and I were divided on the issue (we still are.)  He didn't think Justin going back to bed for a few hours was a big deal.  My logic was that he would have been up anyway playing baseball and spending 45 minutes eating breakfast with us and then going back to bed wouldn't have killed him. Bill and I had some "discussion" (aka "arguing") on the subject - with neither of us really agreeing to the others point of view - and eventually dropped it.  (Actually we dropped it outwardly.  Inside, I was still steaming.)

Lunch at The Galley. (No more arguing.)

Justin called us back around noon saying he was up and showered. We picked him up at his dorm and went to lunch at a really awesome restaurant called The Galley.  (If you're ever in Marietta, I highly recommend it.)  To keep the peace, we didn't discuss the breakfast incident.

After lunch we walked around town and toured the campus. Justin showed us a few of his classrooms and where he sat in each.  It was like a flashback to open house in elementary school without construction paper art on the wall.  We watched a some of a volley ball game then went to a football game where Marietta was playing John Carroll.  Marietta lost 37-35 but I won $130 in the fifty fifty raffle.  Totally cool and there is nothing like a little surprise cash to shake you out of a funky mood (I have a tendency to stew about things.)

Marietta played well and only lost by 2 points.

Sunday morning we were looking forward to seeing Justin play baseball but it rained overnight and the game was canceled.  Bill, Justin and I went out to breakfast (no issues this time) before Bill and I made the trip home.

Despite the snag on Saturday morning, we had a great time.  It was good to see Justin so independent and happy and nice to meet his new friends, who are all on the baseball team.  (You can read more about how Bill and I feel about Justin leaving for college and how we've handled the transition here, here and here.)

The only disturbing thing was the fact that he's done laundry once in the month that he's been at college.  Yuck!

Here are a few more pictures:

Marietta's baseball team won the 2011 National Championship.   Justin is hoping for a repeat in 2012!
(They also won in  1981, 1983, 1986 and 2006.)

Yea, right!

Relaxing at The Galley after lunch. (Don't they look alike?)

I Think I'm Having an Identity Crisis!

It's no secret that I miss Justin. I think I've mentioned that in nearly every post since he left for college and if it's getting old, I apologize. Yesterday I was having an exceptionally down day and after some thought, realized that there is more to what I'm feeling than just missing my kid. It seems I'm also having a bit of an identity crisis.

First day of 3rd grade. (I miss taking the first-day-of-school picture.)

Since Justin was born, although I always worked, my main role has been “mother.” Although Bill did a great job helping with parenting duties, a large percentage of it fell on my shoulders. Mothers are typically the ones in the family who keep everyone organized and keep the household moving. Ours was no exception. I was the one who woke Justin each morning, fed him and off got him to school, helped with homework and school projects, got soccer, basketball and baseball snacks ready when it was our turn and as he got older made sure he came home on time, wore his retainer and drove safely. (Giving never ending lectures on the last two.) It was an exhausting time. More than once I referred to our house as Crazy Town and there were many times I silently complained about our busy schedule and wished I could spend some time in a quiet house, alone.

Things change drastically when your kid leaves for college. Although I'm still a mother - and always will be - I don't feel like I'm doing much mothering any more. This became especially evident when the neighborhood kids went back to school this fall.  When I hear them walking to the bus stop each morning I'm reminded of how that part of my life has ended.

Because I work from home, I am longer required to wake up at particular time and have the option of sleeping to noon, although I never have. (Lately I've had an issue with insomnia and wake up earlier than usual.) The reality is, when Justin left for school I lost a big chunk of my responsibilities and part of my identity. It's an odd feeling – a mixture of anticipation at what the future will bring, boredom with the new daily routine and guilt. (I don't understand where the guilt is coming from or what I feel guilty about. For not being so busy? For having less clothes to wash?  For being able to focus on my regular job in a way I haven't been able to do for 10 years?)

First day of 4th grade.

Last night I asked Bill what type of changes he has experienced since Justin left for college. He said that he misses going to Justin's baseball games.

That's it.

While I had to make the transition from managing Crazy Town to figuring out who I am without a kid to take care of, Bill's life and his daily routine - the one he has had for 20 years - has pretty much remained unchanged. There is also the fact that his hormones aren't freaking out and making him emotional and that his body is not giving him constant reminders that he is aging like mine is. (aka The Change.)

It seems that recently there has been too much change in my life. Some days I embrace it and even enjoy it. Other days it scares me and leaves me longing for my old life. I never thought I would say this, but I've been missing those crazy, exhausting days. Over the past month I've learned that no matter how much you think you're prepared for this stage of your life, you really aren't (or at least I wasn't.) My challenge now is to figure out who I am, what I like, what I'd like to do and then do it without feeling guilty. I'll be pondering that stuff over the weekend and let you know how it goes.

Have you ever experienced anything like this?  How did you cope or plan on coping when your last child leaves for college?  You can find me on Facebook, Twitter or email me at mcginn8@yahoo.com.  Have a happy Friday and a great weekend!

A Really Cool Way to Save Money While Grocery Shopping

Early this year a friend introduced me to a really cool way to save money while grocery shopping by using an online site called SavingsStar. 

SavingsStar is a paperless way of saving by using eCoupons. If you are not familiar with eCoupons, they are electronic coupons which are downloaded to a specific store loyalty card or your cell phone. There is no paper involved with an eCoupon. Instead, any discounts are given when you scan your loyalty card or show your discount code from your cell phone to the cashier.)

To begin using SavingsStar you must register your store cards on the SavingsStar website. You only need to do this once and have the option to add new cards at any time. Once your loyalty cards are registered, you can scan the coupons available for that week. New coupons are added every Thursday. This week savings are offered on Johnsonville sausage, Rhodes cinnamon rolls and 30 other items. To load the coupon onto your loyalty card, simply click on the eCoupon you want. You can choose as many coupons as you'd like, or even all of them, but each coupon can only be used once. When you use your loyalty card at the checkout like you normally do, your savings will not be deducted from your grocery bill but will instead, added to your SavingsStar account.

Once your savings reach $5 (I typically save $3 to $4 per grocery trip) you can have your money deposited directly into your checking or savings account, into your PayPal account or loaded onto an Amazon gift card. (There is even an option to have a portion of your savings made as a donation to American Forests, a nonprofit organization which works to protect the trees and forests of America.)

I love this method of savings and have fun watching money accumulate in my account. This year I've had all savings deposited onto an Amazon gift card, which I'll use for Christmas shopping. In the past, although I've always intended to deposit coupon savings into our savings account, I never actually remembered to do it. Come January 2012, I'm going to change my payment method and have any savings deposited into my regular savings account and use them to help pay for our summer vacation.

If you'd like more information on SavingsStar, you can check out their FAQ page here and you can register for a SavingsStar account here.

Have a great day!

Three Things I Love About My Husband (and Three Things That Annoy the Heck Out of Me)

I love...

His Sense of Humor – Bill manages to keep things light and makes jokes about everything. Because of this, I've learned to become more laid back and look at life less seriously. (I'm a Capricorn and my natural inclination is to be brooding and pessimistic.) Granted, the majority of his jokes are ridiculous but the fact that he doesn't give up and keeps them coming has always been a turn on.

For example, yesterday we went to Penn's Colony, which is an annual arts and crafts festival in Saxonburg, PA. There was a children's craft area and a group of kids pounding nails with little hammers, making tin punch designs. I couldn't see what was going on and said “What is that little girl making?” Bill's answer: “A hole in Grandma's hand.”

It made me giggle for the rest of the day.

How He Enjoys Doing Yard Work – I absolutely hate doing yard work. Bill loves it. On a Saturday afternoon he'll spend the entire day mowing, trimming trees, edging, weeding, planting flowers and mulching. Completely, totally awesome!

That He's a Great Father – In spite of our differences, Bill and I worked together to raise a kid who is confident, independent, intelligent, hardworking and athletic. Justin wouldn't have turned out to be the great kid he is without Bill's influence.

This was normal behavior in our house.

I give Bill credit for instilling his work ethic in Justin (that alone will get him far in life) and for always remaining calm while I freaked out over various childhood emergencies (the gaping hole in Justin's head when he hit himself with a baseball bat or when he was life flighted because of a severe asthma attack.) Bill also got up for midnight feedings when Justin was a baby, helped with school projects and coached his baseball team for 14 years.

I can do without...

His Bedtime Routine - Bill can be comfortable in his favorite chair watching television or napping but the minute I say “I'm going to bed” it's game on! The competitive side of him comes out and he runs up the steps in an effort to get into the bed first. (I really don't care who gets into the bed first, but to Bill, this is important stuff.)

He turns into a champion sprinter when I say "Bedtime."

Once he's in the bed, Bill kicks his legs exactly five times and says “Bed, bed, bed, bed, bed.” Five minutes later he says, “This bed is so comfortable.” Five minutes after that, he lays on his left side, then his right side, then on his back and says, “I don't know why but, I can't get comfortable.” Thirty seconds later the snoring starts.

Every. Single. Night.

Selective Hearing – There are times when Bill and I are in the same room, inches apart, and I speak but he doesn't hear a word I say. There are also times when he is in the basement with the washer and drier running while I am upstairs in the kitchen. If I open a bag of potato chips or a Diet Coke he'll yell up the steps “Are you having a snack? Make me one too.”

The Way He Loses Weight With Little Effort – About ten years ago Bill and I started one of many diets we've followed together. After dinner we would take a walk. I would leave the house with a bottle of water. Bill would leave the house with a can of beer. On the way home, we'd stop at a little ice cream stand. I'd fill my water bottle from the fountain while he ordered a hot fudge sundae.  Bill would eat his sundae on the way home, never hesitating to inform me how great it tasted.

We followed that routine four days a week for three months. At the end of the summer, Bill lost more weight than me. Was I jealous? You better believe it! I still am.

What traits do you love about your partner and which can you do without? You find me on Facebook, Twitter or email me at mcginn8@yahoo.com.

My Next Project is Cleaning Justin's Room (Is Your Kid a SlobToo?)

Believe it or not, these are actual pictures of the way Justin left his room before heading to college.

Although Justin is sloppy, growing up his room was never quite this bad. Once or twice a month he'd get annoyed with the mess or run out of clean clothes and pick up everything laying on the floor, organize his dresser and desk and run the sweeper. As college approached, Bill and I relaxed the rules so we could spend as much time as possible together going to baseball games, water parks and picnics or just hanging around home together. This summer, complaining about a messy bedroom was the last thing on our minds. It was easier to just shut his door and not think about it.

The door to Justin's bedroom has pretty much remained shut since he left for Marietta 24 days ago (Has really been only been 24 days?) Cleaning it has been on my "To Do" list for a few weeks.  This morning I walked into his room intending to get started and was immediately overwhelmed by the mess. I had to take a few pictures to share.

Although you can't see it in either picture, there is a giant Spider Man doll propped up in a corner. Justin won Spider Man in a carnival game he was about 9 years old and each night at bedtime he would roll around on the floor and wrestle the doll. We would have conversations that went like this:

Me: Stop banging around up there and go to bed.

Justin: I can't. I haven't pinned Spider Man yet.

There would be two or three more minutes of noise and then silence as he fell asleep.

There really is BB gun laying in the middle of the floor. Justin played with almost daily for several months. There are also no birds, chipmunks or squirrels on our property. The lamp on the dresser hasn't had a bulb in it for about two years. There are wire hangers on his dresser and desk because, despite our best efforts, Justin never hung up his clothes. Piles on the floor were the norm.  Bill and I teased him last week when he called and asked us to send hangers because folding laundry and putting it in the drawer “was too much work.” (You actually want hangers? Do you even know how to use them?)

The ladder to the right goes to Justin's bed, which is a loft.

You can see the closet and dresser drawers flung open, which is a Justin trademark. We always knew where he had been in the house because he left the cabinet doors, the pantry doors and all other doors in his path wide open.

On the shelf between the closet doors there are stacks of books from the science fiction craze he went through around age 11. (Star Trek was a favorite.) The closet is full of Leggos, Lincoln Logs, Bay Blades (a popular toy when he was in elementary school) and a box full of ZipZaps (tiny remote control cars he and his friends played with when they were 10 and 11 years old.)

In the past, I've been able to go into Justin's bedroom and spend an afternoon clearing out old toys and clothes, organizing his desk and dresser drawers and cleaning the carpet. This time, I knew it was going to be different. Standing there looking at all the things he collected over the years was emotional. And even though there was hardly space to walk without stepping on something, the room felt so empty. 

But there was work to be done. I went downstairs, got a few garbage bags and some boxes, walked back into Justin's room, set the boxes and bags on the floor...and then walked out and shut the door.

This is a project which is going to have to wait for another time. I'll be honest, I'm not ready to tackle it yet.

Have you cleaned, rearranged or reorganized our kids room since they left for college or have you left it untouched?  I'd love to hear from you.  You can find me on Facebook, Twitter or email me at mcginn8@yahoo.com.

Perimenopause (or depression, anxiety, headaches and insomnia)

Other than a few colds each year, I've never had any health issues. My cholesterol is low, my blood pressure is in double digits and my weight, while its not where I'd like it to be, is still in the healthy range. I eat a somewhat balanced diet (although I will never completely give up cookies and bacon) and exercise six days per week.

In spite of my best efforts, in March of 2011 I started to feel pretty crummy. If you asked me what was wrong, there wasn't anything specific I could tell you. I couldn't say “My stomach hurts” or “There is a bump on my arm.” Instead, it was a unusual assortment of symptoms.

I was having horrible headaches, issues with insomnia, anxiety and mood swings, bloating, mouth sores and – this is the strangest of all – occasionally not being able to taste food and having odd feeling that something was stuck on the back of my tongue.  

Some days I would feel terrible and other days I would feel better but I rarely had a day when I felt “normal.” Although the symptoms were annoying, they were never severe enough to warrant calling a doctor. The turning point came after I was walking on the treadmill one afternoon and felt a horrible pressure in my pelvis. About an hour after I stopped, the pressure subsided but when it happened the next day and the next, I became concerned enough to make an appointment.

My doctor has a nurse practitioner working for him, who I prefer to see. Her name is Carrie Scarton. She is intelligent, kind, conscientious, caring and extremely informative. Talking to her is like talking to a girlfriend, which takes some of the anxiety out of an appointment. I went to see her in early April expecting the worse. An Internet check of my symptoms (which I don't recommend doing) listed diseases such as cervical or ovarian cancer, lupus or a brain tumor. Scary stuff.

Carrie started by asking me if I noticed more of my hair falling out than usual, a recent weight gain and weight settling around my waist (yes, yes and yes.) After a few more minutes of discussion, she diagnosed me with perimenopause.

If you are not familiar with perimenopause it occurs when a woman is in her early 40s (age 45 in my case) and her body begins producing less estrogen. Estrogen is an important hormone. It is responsible regulating the menstrual cycle, stabilizing moods, controlling stomach acid, preventing urinary tract infections and migraines and keeping us relaxed so we can sleep. When your body is producing less estrogen you may become cranky, develop acid reflux and a UTI, experience migraines on a regular basis and have difficulty sleeping. Because the symptoms of perimenopause can be subtle, vary greatly and come on gradually, you may not realize that they're all connected.

Carrie discussed the options I had to control the symptoms. We started with an antibiotic to wipe out the UTI, which was causing the pelvic pressure.  She suggested taking 2000 IUs of Vitamin D each day to prevent further infections. She also gave me prescription medication to control the excessive stomach acid, which was causing the bloating and acid reflux which, in turn, caused the mouth sores and the irritation on my tongue. To halt the migraines she recommend an elimination diet. That meant not eating certain foods until we determined which caused the headaches. (The culprit turned out to be dairy products, meaning I can no longer eat milk, cheese and ice cream.) For the mood swings and anxiety she recommended a low dose birth control pill and an anti-depressant. Although I passed on the birth control pills and anti-depressant, should the symptoms get worse, I know those options are available and won't hesitate to use them.

Six months later, I'm happy to report that I'm back to my “normal” self. I no longer have pelvic pressure and pain and haven't had a migraine in months. The mouth sores are gone, my tongue is healed and I can tasted food again. Before my period my anxiety spikes and I get a little bitchy, but that is temporary. On those days, I spend a little more time on the treadmill than usual. Studies have shown that regular exercise can relieve the symptoms of PMS, anxiety and depression and I've found that it works well in my situation.

Although I'm grateful medication is available to ease the symptoms, I still wrestle with the fact that I have to take it to feel well. I envy Bill. When he was prescribed medicine to control his blood pressure and cholesterol he took it with “whatever” attitude and had no second thoughts. For me, the pills are a constant reminder that I'm officially considered middle-aged, approaching age 50 (yikes!) and can no longer take my health for granted.

Have you experienced perimenopause yet?  How did you deal with the mental and physical changes?  You can find me online on Twitter or Facebook or email me at mcginn8@yahoo.com.

9/11: Then and Now

This is a post I originally published in 2011:

On September 11, 2001, I was 35 years old, Justin was 8 and Bill and I had been married for 9 years. That morning was like hundreds of others in our home. Bill left for work before 6 am. I made Justin breakfast and we walked to the bus stop together. He played tag with the other kids, running wild so early in the morning, before the bus came.

After the school bus pulled away, I met a friend at a little coffee house not far from home. When we got there my friend ordered coffee and a muffin and I, never a coffee drinker, ordered iced tea and a danish. I was feeling a little down that day because school started. That has been an unfortunate tradition of mine since Justin started kindergarten. For the first few weeks of the school I miss him and his friends coming in and out of the house playing, making noise and enjoying summer.

The coffee house was full that day of mom's who saw their children off to school and were enjoying some down time. It was a little bit of a party atmosphere and we were all so busy chatting that no one noticed when the scene on the television switched to a shot of the Twin Towers. No one relized anything had happened until a woman came running into the coffee shop screaming, her words coming out in one long, loud sentence.

“Ohmygod! AplanehittheWorldTradeCenter!”

What!

“AplanehittheWorldTradeCenter!”

We all turned to the television hanging on the wall and spent a few minutes in shocked silence taking it all in (coffee, muffins and danishes untouched) before rushing out to gather our kids and call our husbands, family members and friends.

My friend and I drove across the street to the pre-school to pick up her son. People were crying and hugging and not yet fully understanding what had occurred. By the time we reached home, the Pentagon had been hit and we received word that school had been canceled.

Once Justin was home I asked him if he knew what happened. He said, “Bad people crashed a plane into a building. Can I go out and play?” End of conversation. He seemed to comprehend the situation as much as an 8 year old could and there didn't seem to be a need to burden him with details. At the time, there were no instructions on how to handle that sort of thing. It was one of those moments where you do what you think is best and hope it turns out well. Justin found four friends and they spent the afternoon playing kickball in the yard. It was a horrible tragedy but life must go on.

A lot has changed in ten years. This morning, on September 11, 2011, Justin is 18 years old, three hours away at college and pretty much on his own. He told me yesterday that he has a baseball game this morning, is planning on hanging out with friends in the afternoon and finishing homework in the evening.

Bill is at work (Even on a Sunday morning. That is one thing that will most likely never change.) My house is quiet. I just finished the laundry and made banana nut muffins. Later we're going to a little party at a friend's house where we'll watch the Steeler game. Some days I find it hard to believe I'm now in my mid-forties and approaching my 20th wedding anniversary with a kid in college and menopause right around the corner (more on that later.)

Life went on.

Today is a day for remembering those who lost their lives 10 years ago. Take a few minutes and say a prayer for those who lost a spouse, sibling, friend or loved one. Give thanks to those who sacrificed their lives to save so many and those who continue to risk their lives to insure our safety.

Shaking a Sad Mood...What Finally Worked for Me

Yesterday was a rough day. For the first time since we dropped Justin off at college, I woke up missing him...terribly. In addition, I had no specific plans for the day, which made the emptiness in the house even more obvious.

I started the day by making homemade pizza. I made the dough in the bread machine, made the sauce out of tomatoes from the garden and topped it with pepperoni, onions, mushrooms and red peppers picked from the garden. It was a ton of work (and a delicious dinner) but it only kept me occupied for part of the day.

I then cleaned the bathrooms, dusted the entire house, ran some errands and took a walk with a friend. When I'm feeling sad or stressed cooking, cleaning, exercising and hanging out with friends usually knocks the blue mood out of me, but by early evening I was still feeling crummy.

To occupy myself the rest of the evening, I started cleaning out one of the closets and found a box of old pictures.  I ended up spending more than two hours sitting on the floor going through the box. Some I hadn't seen in years and most made me smile. I mean, how can you stay in a bad mood when you're looking at stuff like this:

Bill going to the 9th grade dance.  Apparently in 1976 the cool kids wore three piece, baby blue, pinstriped suits.

This is a game we played at a picnic. The kids were given a cup of chocolate pudding and a spoon and then blindfolded (Anything that involves blindfolding small children is typically a bad idea.) They were to feed the pudding to their parent and the first to empty their cup was the winner.

Justin covered me in chocolate pudding. Eventually he admitted that he could see through the blindfold and was just flinging the pudding at my face because it "was more fun."

Junior Olympics in 4th grade.
Ever since kindergarten, Justin couldn't wait to compete in the Junior Olympics. The smile on his face shows how excited he was to finally be there.

At a restaurant in Orlando, FL in 2000.
Our conversation went like this:  Me - Get that napkin off your face and use it the right way.  Justin - I can't.  It's my beard.
Repeat conversation about 20 more times as he tries to eat with the napkin on his face and then take a picture because it looked so silly.

This is in 1989 when Bill and I were dating.
One day after work he went to happy hour with friends then came to my apartment and said he was going to do my laundry.  He spent a few minutes trying to balance the upside down laundry basket on his head and then fell asleep on the floor...with the dirty laundry laying all around him.

Celebrating Justin's 11th birthday at Shogun, his favorite restaurant.
(What would I do without Bill and Justin to make me smile!)

 Have a happy day!

Ghosts and Spirits: Do You Believe?

Yesterday before heading downstairs to do the laundry, I turned on the light above the basement steps. Halfway down, the light went out, then came on, then went out again. Normally, this wouldn't have bothered me but over the weekend I had just finished an article on communicating with spirits (It's part of a series to be published around Halloween. You can read a preview here.) After hours of reading and researching the subject, the flickering light freaked me out and made me a jumpy, like in the way you get after watching a scary movie.

When Bill got home he checked the switch which, it turned out, needed to be replaced. But the incident got me thinking. Have you ever seen a strange shadow, felt like you were being watched or had the hair stand up on your neck for no apparent reason? I have and apparently I'm not alone. According to a poll conducted by CBS News, 48 percent of Americans believe in ghosts, 22 percent admitted actually seeing the presence of a ghost and a whopping 77 percent said they believed in life after death.

My grandmother - Vandergrift High School, Class of 1938.

When I was 12 years old my grandmother died after a long illness. While she was sick, she repeatedly said she would stay close and always watch over the ones she loved. 

About three months after she died my family had a picnic and bonfire in the back yard. Everyone was outside and someone sent me into the house to get more hot dogs. As soon as I walked into the kitchen I noticed something odd.  The air felt heavy and electrified, I got the feeling that someone was watching me even no one else else was in the house and I saw a shadow I swear was in the same shape of my grandmother in the hallway. 

I am not ashamed to admit, I grabbed the hot dogs and ran as fast as I could out of the house!

I went back to the bonfire and didn't mention one word of what I experienced. Although it frightened me, I put it out of my mind until a few days later when I overhead my mother on the phone. She said, “The strangest thing happened the other night. We were having a picnic and everyone was outside. I went in the house to go to the bathroom and it felt like someone was watching me. And, I swear I saw a shadow on the wall.”

Then there was the time Bill and I were renting a townhouse right after we were married. I woke up one morning and noticed he was laying on his side staring in direction of the closet with a strange expression – a combination of shock and fear. I asked him if something was wrong and he pointed. Standing in front of the closet door (and I swear this is true) was the filmy outline of a man wearing a hat. The creepy part was that we could see the closet door through him. I said to Bill, “Do you see that?” and he said “Is it wearing a hat?” And before either of us could say anything more, it drifted away like smoke. We never told anyone about what we saw or even discussed it with each other (it was that disturbing!) but after we moved from that townhouse a friend said, “I'm glad you moved. It was a nice place but every time I visited, I felt like something was watching me.”

Have you ever had a strange experience, thought you saw a ghost or believed you received contact with a spirit? I realize this subject is somewhat controversial and I'm certainly not advocating dabbling in the occult nor criticizing those who do.  I'm just pointing out that in life, there are some things which cannot be explained.  It's a subject which is frightening, shocking, intriguing and fascinating.

(I'll make one more confession, I almost didn't post this blog today because I was afraid some readers would think I was...weird.)

Guess Who Lost Seven Pounds!

If you guessed me, you guessed wrong!

While you know I've been trying to lose weight, what you may not know is that Bill is dieting too. Both Bill and I started dieting about three weeks ago and both of us set a goal of losing 15 pounds.

Almost 50 years old but still looking pretty darn good!

I got on the scale this morning and lost another half a pound, bringing my total weight loss to three pounds. Nothing to rave about, but still better than remaining at the same weight or gaining. Bill got on the scale after me and announced that he lost three pounds, bringing his total weight loss to seven pounds! How awesome is that!

Bill and I approached dieting differently. I lost my weight by briefly following Weight Watchers, counting calories, measuring portions, giving up French fries, cookies, candy and everything else I used to comfort myself or enjoyed eating, reading books on weight loss, subscribing to diet and exercise magazines and spending hours at the gym.

Bill lost his weight by eating less.

Yep, that's it. He did it with no diet plans, no calorie counting, no measuring, no logging miles on a treadmill (although he has a somewhat physical job), no banning entire food groups and no reading or research of any type. Just good old will power.

To be honest, I'm in awe of him. Bill is a man who has always been known for his appetite but who - for the past three weeks - has been able to resist temptation while I had more than one mental breakdown over a pack of chocolate chip cookies and some M&Ms. While I made a giant production over wanting to lose weight but not actually doing what was needed to drop pounds, Bill took a more practical approach, ate less and controlled his hunger by drinking more water and eating a few pretzels.

Way to go Bill!

(Although I am happy for him and remain his biggest cheerleader as he kicks my butt in the weight loss department, I also feel kind of...um...envious!)

Having a Baby After Age 40 - Have You Considered It?

I have a friend who is 47 years old and pregnant with twins. They will be her third and fourth child - her other two children being 25 and 22 years old – and a planned pregnancy. Recently I joined a group of her friends and family members who were chipping in to buy her a set of cribs as a baby gift. While we were shopping, someone asked if Bill and I were thinking about having another baby now that Justin was in college.

This wasn't the first time I've been asked that question. Through the years there have been plenty of well meaning people who couldn't comprehend our decision to have only one child, which is clearly against the norm. Some couldn't understand why I didn't want to “try for a daughter” and others mistakenly assumed that a medical condition may have prevented us from having more kids.

The truth is, Bill and I have always been content with only one child and never intended to have another. After 18 years, we've never regretted the decision.

There are several reasons why we stopped with Justin. When Justin was a baby and up until he was 7 years old, Bill and I were both working full time. In addition, Bill was working a part time job and I was going to college. We look back at that period as the seven most exhausting years of our life. With two and a half jobs between us, college, studying, crazy schedules and a small child, having another baby was the last thing on our minds. I'm not sure it was even physically possible. (Seriously, that was a time in our marriage when we collapsed into bed each night, mumbled good night and immediately fell into a deep asleep.)

By the time I finished school, Justin was older and playing baseball, soccer, basketball and hockey. His schedule kept us busy and we couldn't imagine returning to the world of diapers and cribs. Some of our decision, I admit, was based selfishness. Neither of us wanted to get up in the middle of the night with another baby, tackle potty training one more time or drag around a car seat and a diaper bag. Besides, Justin was a happy, well-adjusted kid with plenty of friends. He was never lonely and clearly didn't need a sibling. Occasionally we asked him if he wanted a brother or sister and his answer was always “no.” (Not that we were going to let a seven year old influence our decision but we thought it would be fair to know his opinion.)

While we were shopping for the cribs last week, I briefly fell in love with the tiny baby clothes and was reminded of what it was like to hold a newborn and feel its soft skin, smell its new baby scent and pat its fuzzy little head. Justin has been at college for nine days now and I miss him terribly. Not only do I miss him, I miss mothering him. But I'm also enjoying this new stage of my life. Bill and I have been trying new things and tackling projects around the house that have been on our To Do List for ages. Maybe this sounds a little selfish, but we're loving the freedom!

And that means the answer to the question “Do you and Bill want another baby?” is still NO!