Parenting: Are You the Bad Cop or the Fun Mom?

Clair and Phil Dunphy of Modern Family

Do you watch Modern Family? If you do, you're probably familiar with Claire and Phil Dunphy, the characters played by Julie Bowen and Ty Burrell. Clair is the stressed out, exhausted mother who is afraid her kids will make the same mistakes growing up that she made while Phil is the dad with a juvenile attitude who Clair refers to as “the kid she's married to.” 

That's me and Bill. 

A better description of our parenting styles: I am the bad cop. He is the fun dad.

A a parent, Bill has always had a tendency turn a blind eye to anything controversial or requiring discipline.  Instead, he'll ignore a behavior problem, make a dumb joke and then try to do something to make everyone laugh.

That means for the past 18 years I've been the one who points out problems, discusses (or sometimes yells) about them, says "You're grounded" and is occasionally scorned by my kid.

While Bill has always taken an active role in raising Justin - he coached his baseball team for 14 years, attended all the school plays and concerts and did all the regular “dad” things - there never seemed to be a balance in our home. When it was necessary to discipline Justin, the responsibility was dumped on my lap. I determined nap times, made Justin stop playing to eat dinner, said things like “No, you can't ride your bike way down there,” established curfews and forbid him from driving the car to certain places when he was an inexperienced driver.

Being known as the parent who kills all the fun sucks. It's not pleasant having your son perceive you as the bad guy. It's unsettling to watch your husband and kid joke around or watch Sports Center together while you're getting the cold shoulder because you just said “No, you can't stay out that late.” 

It's hurtful to hear comments like “All you do is yell at me” and hard to resist the urge to respond with: “It's not all I do. I also wake you up every morning, make your breakfast, get you off to school, help with homework, take care of you when you're sick, plan your birthday parties, buy all your Christmas presents, make treats for your class, wash your clothes, buy your clothes, work two jobs so you have the privilege of playing baseball in a state we don't even live in with a bat that costs more than everything I own, help with college applications and a billion other things you take for granted.  I willingly do all this because I love you!”

If you have kids, you know parenting isn't always sunshine and rainbows. Sometimes it gets downright ugly and occasionally it strains your relationship with your spouse. In our family, things blew up last Wednesday - Justin's first day home since he left for college - when he made plans without checking with one of us first. I mean, how many times do I have to say “Don't tell us you're doing something/going somewhere/taking the car. Ask us” before he listens?

All three of us lost our tempers. We were frustrated and angry – Justin because he viewed me as the one who is always telling him what he can and can't do, Bill because we were fighting on Justin's first day home and lately always seem to have some disagreement whenever the three of us are together and me because I'm tired of always having to be the one who lays down the law while Bill acts like Justin's best friend. 

Plans were canceled as the three of us took some time and talked it out (okay, there was also yelling, we're human). In the end, we came to a few understandings and reminders:

• Parenting doesn't end just because you no longer live at home.
• As long as you're financially dependent on us, we have a say in what you do and don't do.
• When you're staying in this house, our rules apply.
• Dad and I need to present a united front, discuss and agree on what type of behavior is and isn't acceptable.
• We all need to listen better and acknowledge problems when they small.
• No turning a blind eye, sweeping problems under the rug or ignoring things we don't like.
• Talk about things when they bother you. Don't keep your feelings to yourself and then blow up at what appears to be a minor incident.

Are you the good cop or the bad cop in your family?  How do you and your partner handle parenting responsibilities?  Are they evenly shared?  Have you ever called a family meeting to review the rules?

Friend me on Facebook, find me on Twitter or email me at mcginn8@yahoo.com. 

Staying Sane and Surviving the Holiday Craziness

Hello all! I'm happy to report the McGinnis family had an awesome Thanksgiving that included plenty of family time, food and fun.

Justin studying while Kyle and Patrick keep him company.

Of course on Thursday we stuffed ourselves full of turkey, mashed potatoes, pumpkin pie and other yummy desserts. On Friday evening, after an afternoon of shopping, everyone gathered around the kitchen table and played cards. I opted out because – and I'm embarrassed to admit this – I don't know how to play cards. (To help fix that problem, I found a great website that teaches the rules, strategies and the basics of blackjack. You can check it out at Planet Blackjack.)

I'm so excited Christmas season has officially arrived. Christmas is my favorite time of the year. I enjoy the decorations, the gatherings and the radio stations that play nothing but holiday music. I love the excitement in the air, the way everything is lite or sparkles and the feelihg that every day is a celebration. But like most women, I also find the weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas to be somewhat overwhelming and demanding.

Studies have shown that women are more likely than men to have high levels of stress during the holiday season and less likely to take care of themselves. Bill and I are the perfect example of this. Each year I do all the shopping, wrap the gifts, clean and decorate the house and bake way too many cookies while Bill's responsibilities are to pull the tree out of storage and buy me a few presents.

Like most men, his routine doesn't change much during the holidays, while mine is on overload. As a result, I tend to eat too much, exercise too little and function on less sleep than I'm accustomed to. By the time Christmas Eve rolls around, I don't fit into my clothes and I'm exhausted, grouchy and sick. Last year I came down with laryngitis. The year before I had a bad cold. Both were most likely resulted from me being to run down and sleep deprived to fight a virus.

In a effort to remain healthy, relaxed and sane I made a pledge to stop micromanaging the holidays. Here's the lowdown on what I'll be doing differently:

Not baking so many cookies. Every year I exhaust myself out baking cookies. You name it, chances are that I make it. Because practically everyone bakes, having 15 different types of cookies on the cookie tray isn't necessary. There are cookies everywhere. Too many, actually. This year I'm cutting back and only making five favorites - chocolate chip, lady locks, snickerdoodles, peanut butter blossoms and Oreo truffles.

Not insisting that we have a tree in every room of the house. In previous years I placed a fully lit and decorated Christmas tree in the dining room, along with one in the living room, one in the family room and one in the entryway. This year, there will be one in the living room where we open presents on Christmas morning.

Refusing to light every bush, tree or post outside our house. I don't enjoy putting outside lights up and I especially dislike taking them down in freezing temperatures common to Pennsylvania during the month of January. Last weekend I put electric candles in the windows and a wreath on the front door. Simple yet festive.

Lowering my expectations. No one notices if the presents don't have fancy bows or if the paper wrapping paper outside the box doesn't match the tissue paper inside the box and no one cares if the lady locks aren't exactly the same size. (Believe it or not, this is something I actually used to obsess over.) While there is nothing wrong with working hard to be the best you can be, always striving for perfection is unrealistic and unhealthy, especially when you're referring to cookie dough and wrapping paper.

Sharing the burden. Bill loves to wrap presents. I view it as a tedious chore. Yet every year I insist on wrapping all the gifts myself because I want them to be color coordinated or decorated with bells, bows or garland that compliments the paper. In reality, no one cares about this stuff. (Has anyone ever unwrapped a gift and said, “I can't believe the tissue paper didn't match the wrapping paper!) This year, I'm doing the shopping and Bill is doing the wrapping.

Not feel guilty when I indulge in a little “me” time. There's nothing wrong with getting a manicure, going to the gym for an hour or laying on the couch and doing nothing. Learning how to step away from responsibilities and occasionally indulge yourself can help you relax, lower your stress level and help you to enjoy the holidays.

How do you stay sane over the holidays? Do you micromanage? Does your spouse willingly share the shopping, decorating and baking? Friend me on Facebook, find me on Twitter or email me at mcgin3@yahoo.com.

Happy Thanksgiving! Will You be Shopping on Black Friday?

Happy Thanksgiving! I hope everyone has a great day visiting with family, friends and loved ones. This year we're spending Thanksgiving with Bill's cousin Linda and her family. They'll be plenty of fun and, of course, food. (Great thing about the holidays: A excuse to break the diet for one day!)

On Friday, I'll be hitting the mall with some cousins. I've never been a fan of Black Friday shopping or shopping in general. I do as much as I can online and I'm typically finished by the time Black Friday rolls around.  In the past, I've tagged along as family shopped and actually  walked around the stores feeling a little smug as I took in the Christmas decorations and enjoyed the family time.

This year things are different. I started a writing job in June and I'm still adjusting to the busy schedule, occasionally demanding editors and strict deadlines. As a result, I'm behind on my shopping and will be venturing out on Black Friday not because I want to, but because I need to.

A few days ago I blogged about not knowing what to buy Bill for Christmas. (If you missed it, you can read it here: Christmas Shopping For Your Spouse: Difficult or Easy?.) As it turns out, he is the least of my problems since I am completely baffled on what to give Justin this year. Justin has always been the easiest person to buy for because there were so many things he wanted. All I had to do was pay attention when he watched television and pointed out something liked – which was often. But with Justin now in college, I no longer have that luxury. And after talking to him yesterday, the great gift ideas I thought I had turned out to be not so great. 

That means tomorrow I'll be organizing my coupons, scanning advertisements and searching for an answer to the question: What do you give a kid in college for Christmas? Of course money is an option but I'd also like to Justin have a few “real” gifts to unwrap on Christmas morning. While he insists that isn't important to him, it is to me.  As long as he's unwrapping, I'd like to be something he likes or wants.

Another option is clothes. Justin's baseball coach would like to see him gain 30 pounds by spring and recently put him on a 4,500 calorie per day diet. Since he started eating differently he's been gaining about 5 pounds a week and is starting to blow out of his clothes, which is kind of shocking to see. After all, this is the kid who hadn't gained any weight since 10^th grade!

I'm thinking of using Aeropostale as a starting point. Justin loves their clothes and they have an awesome selection of mens shirts and jeans at great prices. After that, I'm stumped.  Justin is a lot like his dad and when I asked him what he want, I get the "I'll get back to you on that" answer.

Should I get him tennis shoes, go the boring socks and underwear route, get him a video game or just grab a few gift cards?

If you've got kids in college, what do they want for Christmas this year? Do you have any suggestions on how to pry a Christmas list out of a teenager who doesn't seem interested in making one? Friend me on Facebook, find me on Twitter or email me at mcginn8@yahoo.com.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving and enjoy Black Friday shopping!

Perimenopause Isn't For Sissies

Any guys reading today may want to skip this post because, as you can see from the title, I'm going to be talking about the “M” word. You know “The Change.”

A few weeks ago I blogged about learning how I'm experiencing perimenopause. If you missed that post, you can read it here: Perimenopause (or Depression, Anxiety, Headaches and Insomnia).   I ended the post by saying “I'm happy to report that I'm back to my “normal” self.” Today, I can't believe I wrote that. Even though that blog is only a few weeks old, it clearly shows how naive and unprepared I was for what my doctor described as a “brutal transition time.”

When my doctor initially told me peri  was what was making me feel so crappy, she added a warning that "it will get worse." I laughed her off and said I could handle it. She repeated, “No. I don't think you understand. It's going to get bad."  Still, I didn't believe her. I thought she didn't know the real me and how tough I could be. Or that she underestimated my high tolerance for physical and mental discomfort. Or that I could take it. After all, it couldn't be that bad.

Turns out she was right and I was wrong. Way wrong.

My life is now divided between the one “Old Danielle” lived and the reality “New Danielle” experiences. Old Danielle could sleep through the night and didn't become burning hot and sick to her stomach. She didn't have acid reflux and could drink alcohol. She could lose a few pounds by exercising harder and eating less. She didn't get migraines that put her down for 12 to 24 hours. She didn't get bloated. She didn't need a rubber band to hold her jeans together. She had regular periods and she had PMS which lasted two or three days.

New Danielle hasn't slept through the night for six months and sometimes stands in front of an open freezer door to cool down. She has acid reflux. She can't drink alcohol or eat pizza, chocolate, caffeine, spicy foods or anything that is fried or tastes good. Cookies, cake and ice cream are all off limits now. All food must now be healthy and bland. (A few fast food restaurant may have closed as a result.) Despite the change in eating habits, she's gained three pounds. She gets headachy. She knows regular bloating is now the norm, she has irregular periods and PMS that doesn't seem to ever go away.

And there's more.

Sometimes I feel very, very mean. I don't often show it outwardly to anyone except Bill who, I'm happy to say, has been understanding about what I'm going through and takes it like a man. (By that I mean he covers his head, runs out of the room, ignores my rants, turns up the TV so he can't hear me yell or repeatedly says "Yes dear" in a patronizing tone.)

On Sunday we had a conversation that went like this:

Bill: Can I sit down and read the paper?
Me (speaking in a sarcastic tone): Of course you can.  Why are you even asking me that?
Bill: Because I don't want to get yelled at for relaxing.

One of my only outwardly nasty episodes to date occurred a few weeks ago when I flipped out on the creepy guy at the gym and his friend in a way that came across as is a super scary and a little psychotic. As a result, when we are at the gym at the same time the two of them no longer talk to me, look at me or come anywhere near me – and that's a good thing despite the fact that I may now be labeled as “The Crazy Lady.”

Manny Pacquiao - The Ultimate Bad Ass

If you haven't experienced it yet, be warned! Perimenopause is not for sissies. And lately I've been feeling like one. Some days – no make that most days – it seems like peri is kicking my $%@#. By the time I drag myself to bed I feel like I've gone a few rounds with Manny Pacquiao and he showed no mercy. I'm physically and mentally exhausted and my body hurts in ways it has never known.

I've had many episodes where I cried about it, felt sorry for myself and took a “Why me!” attitude (You know, like I'm the only one dealing with this stuff.) Sometimes I feel envious of other women who don't seem to be having it a rough as I do. Other times I get disgusted with myself for acting like such a baby. Last week I joined a book club and secretly fantasized about it being a Menopause Club where I could find support and openly discuss how much this sucks.

Unlike my last post on The Change, there is no happy ending here – at least not now. Now I understand this is ongoing process and all I can do is treat the symptoms, stay positive and focus on the good things in life (like the fact that Justin is coming home from college today. Yeah!)

Have you been through The Change or Peri? What were your experiences with either? Did you use prescription medication or natural remedies to control the symptoms or did you tough it out?  Friend me on Facebook, find me on Twitter or email me at mcginn8@yahoo.com.

Looking For The Perfect Christmas Gift? I've Got Some Great Suggestions!

Are you looking for the perfect Christmas gift for someone who is hard to please? I am. Last week I blogged about how difficult Bill was to buy for. If you missed it, you can read it here: Christmas Shopping For Your Spouse: Difficult or Easy?

While I was searching online for some gift ideas, I stumbled on a great post by Emily Abbate at CafeMom. Emily had a few gift giving suggestions which I'm happy to share:

Calorie Burning Underwear

This cool little undergarment from Japan claims to increase the amount of calories you burn while walking. And the commercial so...convincing. (Included in this post for your viewing pleasure.) Watch it and you'll understand why the Calorie Shaper - magical resin-coated spandex underwear - is the greatest diet aid ever.

I'm thinking if I wear the Calorie Shaper on the treadmill I may burn several hundreds – hell, make that thousands – of calories and still be able to eat doughnuts like there is no tomorrow. And at $32, its a deal. Buy a pair for all your body conscious friends.

 

Meijikara Anti-Wrinkle Glasses

If you've got a multi-tasker on your Christmas list, pick up a pair of the Meijikari Anti-Wrinkle Glasses. Sweet and stylish (Not!) these $60 glasses remind me of racquetball glasses from the 1970s.

Put on a pair of these babies, pick up a racket and exercise while preventing wrinkles. Wear the Calorie Shaper at the same time and you'll leave the racquetball court looking younger and slimmer than you ever dreamed possible.

The Beauty Nose

I've never liked my nose but there is no reason to spend thousands of dollars on a nose job when I could wear the Beauty Nose. From what I've read, sticking that pink butterfly shaped clip on my nose will make me super attractive...although I'm wondering if I should just save my money and try one of those big clips I put in my hair when I shower. Or a chip clip. We've got plenty of those laying around the house.

Diet Glasses

Who needs Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers when you can wear the amazing Diet Glasses. Apparently, looking at things through their blue tinted lenses will reduce your appetite, keep you from overeating and help you to relax. (Who knew? At least now we're all in on the secret!) No doubt every overweight, stressed out Top Gun fan on your shopping list would love these stylish, funky glasses. 

Cogit Sauna Burn Fat Mask

Believe it or not, there is actually a mask which claims to burn fat from your face. And not just parts of your face. It burns fat from your entire face, all for the ridiculously low price of $45.99. It's so pretty I may buy two and attach one to each of my butt cheeks because I'm one of those people who doesn't have a face full of fat but does carry around a some junk in the trunk.

Happy shopping!  Would you ever buy one of these products?  If so, which one?  Friend me on Facebook, find me on Twitter or email me at mcginn8@yahoo.com. (Interested in reading about some Steeler trivia? Check out the new post in The Mysteries of Pittsburgh.)

Christmas Shopping For Your Spouse: Difficult or Easy?

I'm heading to the mall this afternoon to do some Christmas shopping. To help spark some gift giving ideas, I've got advertisements loaded with suggestions and to save money I've got a stack of coupons. 

 

Christmas 1997. I didn't know what to get Bill that year either!

The good news: I'm almost done shopping for family members and I've got a pretty good idea of what I'm going to get Justin. The bad news: I have no clue what to get Bill, which means I'll spend several agonizing hours in the mall (I'm not one who enjoys shopping) walking from store to store, looking at hundreds items, not finding anything he would like or use and go home head-achy and frustrated because I'll have to do it again in a few days.

Have you ever asked your parents or grandparents for gift suggestions and they responded with "Oh I don't need anything." or "Don't buy me anything.  I have everything I need."  

That's Bill. 

Exchanging gifts with him has never been easy. When I ask for a few suggestions he'll say, “I'm not sure. Let me get back to you on that.” And that's all well a good, except that he never does. Even after I ask again, and again...and again.

There is never a point when Bill sees something on a television commercial that interests him because he never watches television commercials. He is the guy who grabs the remote and clicks through them, believing that watching 30 seconds of anything else is better than listening to an advertisement. There are things out there that he doesn't even know exist because he's never seen or heard of them. On a side note, when Bill reads the Sunday paper the first thing he does is spend several minutes going through every single advertisement pointing out good deals and slashed prices. Want to know what's on sale this week at Best Buy?  He can tell you - but he doesn't want any of that stuff.

I'm also limited because he doesn't have any hobbies.  Bill is a workaholic and work is his hobby. Unlike most people who can't wait to call it a day after 8 hours, my husband can go for 11hours or more on a daily basis.  At this point, he has worked for 28 consecutive days!

So where does that leave me in the gift giving department? Every year there are the staples – socks, underwear and a few Hallmark ornaments – which feel boring and predictable.  You would think after 22 years I'd have a clue, but everything has a been-there-done-that feel and we have a closet full of stuff that I thought he would like but were never touched (the back massager, a book on starting a vegetable garden, CDs and movies.)

I know I should be happy to have a husband who is low maintenance and doesn't care much for material things. Anyone who knows Bill knows he's happiest when he's sitting in his favorite chair in the evening, remote in hand, watching some sporting event and clicking through commercials.  The things that please him most are when I make homemade spaghetti sauce or lasagna – but you know, I can't wrap up a lasagna for Christmas.

I'm stumped and slightly annoyed. If anyone has any suggestions on what to give the husband who wants nothing, I'd love to hear from you. Friend me on Facebook, follow me on Twitter or email me at mcginn8@yahoo.com.

Some Things I Love About My 40s (and a Few I Can Do Without)

Have you ever thought about the person you were at other times in your life or even just five years ago?

With birthday 46 few weeks away and the big 5-0 knocking on the door, I took a look back at the some of the things I've loved and learned about this stage of my life – and a few I wish I could change.

Having Friends of All Ages

When I was younger, my friends were people my age range who I had the most in common with – girls in dancing class, co-workers who were also single, moms I met at the park or in a play group or the parents of other kids on Justin's baseball team. Those were the people I saw most often, making it easy for us to get to know each other form friendships.

Age 3

As I approached my 40s with most of those activities began winding down, I started making friends with other people – because I finally had the time. Like my friend Pam. Pam and I lived across the street from each other for 12 years and never said more than “Hello” mainly because she is 15 years older than me and we were always at different stages in our lives. That changed when Justin left for college and I suddenly had more time on my hands. Today, she's my favorite antiquing buddy, walking partner and go-to person for advice.

Now that I'm out of “mom mode” I have friends ranging in age from 18 to 80 and each one is fun, funny, interesting and teaches me something new. From them I've learned how to tie dye, how to burn more calories on the treadmill, interesting foods and restaurants to try and some cool trivia about the town where I grew up.

The Wisdom That Comes With Experience

In my 20s when I was young and inexperienced in just about everything, most of what I knew came from a books, magazine articles or talking to friends. Back then, I didn't realize there were some things you could only learn through experience. Like understanding that mistakes and failure are good. Or that you shouldn't compare yourself to others. Or that most of what you fear will never becomes reality. Or how to cook. (It takes practice.)

More Confidence

For a variety of reasons - especially in my teens, 20 and 30s - I've never been one with much confidence. I regularly second guessed myself, often doubted decisions I made and talked myself out of trying new things because I was convinced I'd fail at them. But something happened recently to change that (flawed!) way of thinking. I realized that Bill and I raised a kind, sensible kid who rarely got into trouble, excelled at school and turned out to be a pretty darn good baseball player. Those things don't happen by accident. It comes from good parenting and sound decision making, meaning I'm not as bad at some things as I thought I was.

That realization upped my confidence and erased some of the fears I've held for a long time. Very liberating!

Changes to My Health

The days of seeing clearly both far away and up close are long gone. So are the days when I could eat pizza without getting acid reflux, skip a week of exercise without gaining a few pounds and stay up until 2 am to watch movies, hang out with friends or just because.

I now have reading glasses, take a prescription antacid and if I'm still awake past 11 pm on a Saturday night, it's a big deal. My hair is also gray, my waist is rounder despite hours of exercise, half the clothes in my closet are now considered “inappropriate” for someone my age and shoes with a heel – any heel – hurt my feet.

Whether or Not Someone Likes Me

Remember high school when knowing who did or didn't like you mattered? Or when you wanted to be part of the “in” crowd. I'm embarrassed to admit, I was also overly concerned those things in my 20s and even into my 30s. By the time I hit 40, my thinking shifted – the result of maturity and experience. Living life and being exposed to its highs and lows teaches you what's really important. And whether or not everyone likes me no longer tops the list. In fact, its not even on the list.

Not Knowing What's Next

At every stage of my life, there has been some expectation of what is coming next. In high school, there was the anticipation of college. In college there was the lure of a new job. This was followed by the assumption that I would get married and then have and raise children.

Now I've done all that and more and now that Justin is in college, the future is a mystery.  And sometimes I find that unsettling. After all, there is certain comfort in knowing where your life is heading and what's waiting for you around the corner. It's quite an adjustment to go, go, go at full speed for 25 years because you have so many responsibilities and so little time to get everything done – only to have it come to a screeching halt when your kid leaves home.


To sum up the last three decades I'd say in my 20s I was naive and in my 30s I was exhausted and self-conscious.  The coolest decade so far has been my 40s.  It's been a tough transition time but it also a period where I've developed more confidence and wisdom.  And although I can't see as well and gained a few pounds, the first five years have been pretty darn good.

If you're in your 40s or have already been through your 40s, what did you love about those years? Was there anything you disliked or wished you would have done differently? Friend me on Facebook, follow me on Twitter or email me at mcginn8@yahoo.com.

Talking to Your Kids About Sexual Harassment

When I was 18 years old and in college, I had a job at a gas station. I worked 30 hours a week pumping gas, checking oil, putting air in tires, running the cash register and scrubbing the never ending layer of grime off the counters, floors and candy and rolling paper displays. (It was not a classy organization.)

I froze in the winter, sweated in the summer, had dirt and oil embedded under my fingernails and constantly smelled like gasoline. To say I hated that job was an understatement, but not for those reasons. You see, the owner of the gas station wanted me to pump more than gas. When he thought no one was looking, he'd “accidentally” brush against my breasts or blatantly touch other “parts.” Once he even brought a bottle of wine to the gas station on a Saturday evening and encouraged me to drink. When I declined (even as a stupid, underage kid I knew that was a bad idea) he drank half the bottle himself and tried to stuff his tongue in my mouth. Then there was the time he became so angry that I dodged his advances that he pointed a finger in my face and said “I'll ruin you. I'll make sure you never work anywhere else in this town.”)

Of course I pushed him away, tried to make sure we were never alone and prayed he would have other plans on nights I worked the late shift. But I never did curse him out, tell his wife or even confide anyone I knew.

Because I thought speaking up against this person would get me fired. And because jobs for 18 year old girls were scarce in that town and I needed a paycheck.

That is how sexual harassment works. A person in a position of power, typically a man, uses his dominance (and some idiotic sexist thinking) to intimidate his victims, usually women. Although he may cause her to feel humiliated, devalued and cheapened, the harasser/abuser's words and advances often go unreported because the victim feels defenseless or has the misguided notion that it’s no big deal.

Except that sexual harassment is a big deal. And it’s about time that we stopped acting like it isn’t.

As an 18 year old, I was scared, naive and uninformed. No one ever told me what to do in that situation or even alerted me to the fact that something like that could occur. Forty five year old Danielle knows better. Should I find myself in a similar situation or witness it happening to someone else, I guarantee I would go into total bitch-mode and complain long and loud. You'd all hear me.

And don't even get me started on what I'd do to any finger pointed in my face.

Regardless of whether you acknowledge it or take an I'm-going-to bury-my-head-in-the-sand attitude, sexual harassment happens. A lot. We've all got stories. Some get told and some are dealt with but far to many are unspoken because women are afraid or simply aware of what does or doesn't constitute sexual harassment. (In case you're wondering, sexual harassment includes jokes, name-calling, picture-drawing, clothing with sexual innuendos or messages, graffiti, sexual gestures, talk of sexual acts in the presence of others, spreading rumors of a sexual nature about others, and, of course, unwanted touches or inappropriate touches of the perpetrator on his person.)

Like when a middle school boy snaps a bra strap or ogles the budding breasts of a middle school girl. Or when a high school boy tells the whole school that a certain girl puts out. Or when a college student has a few beers and puts his hands down a girl's pants. Or when a 30-ish man whistles at a woman on the street then proceeds to call her a “name” when she doesn't act please at his catcalls.

Sexual harassment is a yucky subject, one people don't like to discuss but I'll tell you something shocking: In a national study released just a few days ago, nearly half of seventh to twelfth graders polled said they experienced sexual harassment in school last year. Nearly half – meaning that this is something which is pervasive and pretty much considered a normal part of the school day.

Don't you think its high time we stopped the madness and the emotional, mental physical and financial problems sexual harassment causes?

So here's my suggestion: If you've got kids, regardless of their age, have a meaningful discussion with them about what is an isn't acceptable. There's nothing wrong reminding your kids that the sexist attitudes they may see on television, movies and video games or hear from friends, team mates, coaches, uncles and cousins is wrong.

At an early age, start teaching your little boy how to be a man, one who speaks respectfully to women, treats them like ladies and understands that women and men are equals. Teach your daughter how to recognize improper behavior and should she experience it, stress the importance of immediately telling an adult. Empower her. Teach her not to be afraid. And don't stop there. Talk about it again...and again...and again and then do it some more. As a parent, understand that ignoring something that you don't like doesn't mean it won't happen.

It's not crazy talk. 

It's necessary.

A New and Exciting Assignment!

Happy Weekend!

I don't know how the weather is where you are, but here the sun is shining and the temperatures will be hovering in the low 60s - very unusual in Western Pennsylvania in November!

I have some exciting news to share - I've been asked to blog about the great city of Pittsburgh.  How cool is that!

Last week I was busy designing and writing a new blog which will be titled The Mysteries Pittsburgh.  Right now, there isn't much going on over there, other than one welcome-to-my-blog post but once a week you can expect some fascinating facts, trivia and other info on the Steel City.

I'll still be writing Life in the Middle Ages (will be back tomorrow with a somewhat controversial post) and am a little nervous at handling two blogs plus a regular writing job - but I'm up for the challenge.

Hope everyone has a great day.  Get outside and enjoy the sunshine!

My Name is Danielle and I Am a Hypochondriac

I don’t mean I obsess about my health 24 hours a day, 365 days a year but sometimes, it just happens.

I may start worrying about a brain tumor after I've had a bad headache three days in a row - never mind the fact that I'm allergic to cheese, eating it brings on a migraine and I've been pounding down pizza and nachos like there was no tomorrow. Or I might worry that I have lung cancer after a coughing fit while running on the treadmill - without using my inhaler before starting.

Yes, I know I have allergies and exercise induced asthma but sometimes I have anxiety over the most mundane things. I know it sounds ridiculous but I'm not embarrassed to admit that there are times I really do think that way.

Some of my hypochondria comes from parent who presented everything as a worst case scenario. As I child I regularly heard:

“Zip that coat or you will get pneumonia and have to go to the hospital”

“Stop doing cartwheels. You're going to break your neck.”

“If you don't eat all those vegetables/soup/chili/liver you're going to get sick.”

“Don't step in that puddle or you'll catch a cold.”

Then there was the time I got a toy sewing machine as a birthday present and wasn't allowed to use it because I would “sew my finger and get an infection” (Um...it didn't even have a needle.)

The reasonable grown up in me knows there is little truth to those statements or that most are exaggerated. I mean, Nancy Grace and Carson Kressley both did cartwheels this season on Dancing With the Stars and escaped unscathed. Our bodies don't automatically develop illnesses if we don't clean our plates at each meal and has anyone really caught a cold from stepping in a puddle? (A cold is a virus transmitted through mucus and saliva, not puddles.)

The thing is, spending your childhood surrounded by a cloud of fear makes an impact, leaves scars and sometimes causes you to worry about things most people tend to ignore.

The issues I've been having lately with acid reflux and have heightened my anxiety. While the reflux has not gotten worse, improvements have been small and occurring slowly. Even though my doctor has explained that treating reflux is a healing process which could take 8 to 12 weeks, reminded me that it is caused by perimenopause and repeatedly said that perimenopause is a “brutal” transition time, I can't help but wonder if something more serious is going here.

Of course, talking it out is a great way to relieve the anxiety. Bill is very good at this. When I bring up my latest ailment, he may roll his eyes but he'll also tell me I'm being silly. Then he'll listen to my fears, point out the flaws in my thinking and remind me that not everything is the result of a horrible illness or disease.

I'm working on being better at this hypochondria thing, and I understand the benefits of lowering my anxiety level. I've lost count of the number of times my doctor has said “Worry can cause more harm than an ailment.” But, you know if it was that easy to change your thinking, we'd all be perfect.

So for now, my name is Danielle and I'm a hypochondriac.  And some days that is the way it is going to go down in my house.

Do you ever have any irrational fears about your health?  Friend me on Facebook or find me on Twitter.

An Awesome Apple Cake Recipe

A few days ago a friend of mine went on a mini-vacation to Lancaster, PA and came home with bushels of apples. She's a Martha Stewart type (actually she puts Martha to shame) who is incredibly crafty, has the most beautifully decorated home I've ever seen and bakes everything from scratch, including pumpkin pies with homegrown pumpkins. She shared a bag of apples with me along with her own apple pie recipe and specific instructions to “Not make then into applesauce because they are too good for that.”

This cake can be made in either a 9 x 13 inch pan or a bundt cake pan.

I love to bake but my pies will never win any awards and are average at best, even when following a recipe to the letter. Instead I searched online for a recipe where I can use the apples and found one for Apple Cake with Homemade Caramel Glaze on Allrecipes.com.

This cake is easy to make and uses ingredients you probably already have on hand. It is also one of the best cakes I've ever eaten – and being a dessert freak, I've had many. Bill and I ate half of it on Sunday and finished the rest of it on Monday – it was that good. (So much for the diet!) Surprisingly, it was even better on Day 2, after the some of the glaze seeped into the cake.

I've still got five softball sized apples left so I'm off to find more recipes. I'm thinking apple dumplings, apple strudel or apple muffins.

If you'd like to try the apple cake, here's the recipe:

Apple Cake With Caramel Glaze

Ingredients:

2-1/2 cups all-purpose flour

2 cups sugar

2 teaspoons baking powder

1 teaspoon baking soda

1 teaspoon salt

1 teaspoon ground cinnamon

2 eggs

¾ cup unsweetened applesauce

¼ cup canola oil

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

3 cup chopped, peeled apples

½ cup chopped pecans (optional)

Sauce:

3 tablespoons butter or stick margarine

1 cup packed brown sugar

1/3 cup milk

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

Directions:

1. In a large mixing bowl, combine the flour, sugar, baking powder, baking soda, salt and cinnamon. In another mixing bowl, beat eggs until frothy. Add applesauce, oil and vanilla; beat until blended. Stir into flour mixture; mix well. Fold in apples and pecans.
2. Pour into a 13-in. x 9-in. x 2-in. baking pan coated with nonstick cooking spray. Bake at 350 degrees F for 40-45 minutes or until a toothpick inserted near the center comes out clean. In a small saucepan, melt butter. Add the brown sugar, milk and vanilla. Bring to a boil, stirring constantly. Pour over warm cake. Serve warm.

Do you have any recipes which use apples that you'd like to share? Friend me on Facebook or find me on Twitter.  Have a great day and enjoy the beautiful weather!

Arguing With Your Partner: Do You Fight Fair?

Bill and I aren't perfect and our marriage is perfect. Just like anyone else, we argue. Sometimes we can go weeks or even months without any issues and sometimes it happens several times in a matter of days. In our case, practically every argument we've ever had can be traced back to one of three things: Bill not helping out enough around the house, my I-want-it-now attitude (patience I not my strong point) or money.

Last week we had a particularly bad fight which started as a discussion on whether or not we should – or could afford to – visit Justin in Florida next spring when Marietta's baseball team makes their annual trip. I'm not sure how or why this discussion escalated and turned into a full fledged screaming match. But it did and it got ugly.

Marriage isn't always sunshine and happiness!

Arguing is not necessarily a bad thing if you can stay on track and work towards a solution. But things don't always work that way. One of the worst things about fighting is when it gets dirty. Perhaps you feel like the other person isn't hearing what you're saying and out of frustration you start dragging issues into the argument which have nothing to do with anything. Or maybe you have a partner who can't remember to stop at the grocery store on the way home from work but develops a laser sharp memory and the ability to recall conversations which occurred last week or even years ago. (Ugh...so annoying!) Or maybe there is a point where one of you says “Nope. No more” and stomps out of the room in the middle of the “discussion”.

I'm embarrassed to say, all of those and more happen in the McGinnis marriage. I totally support taking the high road, working through it and hugging it out but we're human and there are times when we're both at the end of our rope with the niceties, there are things we think we need to say and there is no holding back. Boundaries are crossed, irrelevant information is presented and character assassination occurs. When it reaches a certain point, neither of us fight fair.

You would think after 22 years together we'd get the hang of this and learn how to discuss things in a more productive manner. And most of the time we do. But there are days when we're tired, drowning in work stress or not feeling well and an innocent question like “What should we do about going to Florida in the spring” turns into a grudge match.

Because we aren't the Kardashians, we don't have the option to call it quits when the going gets tough (But seriously, how tough can it be after 72 days of marriage?) nor do we want to call it quits. That means we work it out. Sometimes reaching a compromise takes hours. Sometimes it takes days – with silence between us. I don't think that's a bad thing. On the silent days I don't cook dinner and spend more time away from home, hanging out with a friend or walking around the mall. A brief marriage timeout is rejuvenating and feels like a mini-vacation. Staying in our own corners and stopping the attacks gives us both the opportunity think about the problem and usually results in a solution we're both happy with.

Bill and I haven't yet figured out what we're going to do about traveling to Florida, putting that issue on the back burner, but we are talking again. Last night we went out to dinner and a movie. Today we're finishing the painting in the basement.  And at some point, when the time is right, we'll discuss it in a calmer, more productive manner.

Do you and your partner fight fair? How do you reach a resolution when you have a disagreement? Friend me on Facebook or find me on Twitter. Have a great day and enjoy the sunshine. Winter is just around the corner!

Can We Stop the Protesting and Start Enjoying the Holidays?

Last night I saw a commercial with Gus the Groundhog standing in front of a Christmas tree suggesting we give lottery tickets as gifts. (If you live outside of Pennsylvania, Gus is a wisecracking rodent who holds lottery tickets in his little claws and encourages us to buy them.) 

If you've been in Jo-Ann Fabrics recently you may have noticed that they moved their fall decorations and fabrics to the clearance racks. And anyone who has been watching television has most likely learned by now that Kmart and Walmart are offering Christmas layaways. 

According to retailers, the holidays have officially arrived. Tis the season for shopping, baking, family gatherings, parties and protesting.

Yep, protesting. It starts each year when a group or individual is insulted by some holiday symbolism and insists that parades, decorations and even holiday greetings be worded differently or celebrated in a way which they don't find offensive. 

This year - like the retailers - the protesters got an early start.

In October, John F. Kennedy Elementary School in Somerville, MA announced that students will no longer participate in Halloween celebrations. School principal Anne Foley explained the decision by stating that Halloween has a supposed connection to witchcraft. Sadly, many schools in this country are following her lead.

Recently in Tulsa, Oklahoma it was announced that two Christmas parades will be held this year on the same day. One will be called the Holiday Parade of Lights while the other while the other will be referred to as the Christmas Parade of Lights. The reason for two parades: Because Senator Jim Inhofe announced that he wouldn't take part in the originally planned parade if the word “Christmas” was part of the name.

On the opposite end, in December 2010 members of a Christian group protested what they called discrimination after a Christmas tree, menorah and sign which read “Seasons Greetings” were on display inside the Boca Raton City Hall in Boca Raton, FL. Their feelings were that a nativity scene was more representative of the holiday then a Christmas tree and a menorah.

Two parades because one person didn't like the word Christmas? Give me a break. Wouldn't it have been easier to tell Senator Inhofe to sit down and be quiet? Depending on your beliefs, a decorated pine tree, a menorah and a manger can all be symbols of Christmas. And banning a Halloween celebration because it has a supposed connection to witchcraft? How about having a school celebration as a way to educate kids on the real origin of the holiday? Oh, wait. We can't discuss that in school because one aspect of Halloween has a connection to honoring deceased loved ones and some people find any discussion about death offensive and frightening.  (Learn more about the origin of Halloween by reading The History of Halloween.)

The truth is, most holidays in this country have both religious origins and materialistic aspects. How you choose to celebrate is your own personal decision. There is no one size fits all. Some people focus more on the religious aspects while others tend to focus more on the materialistic aspects. There is nothing wrong with either of those. Religion and honoring the god of your choice can be a rewarding experience and those who celebrate Christmas by spending thousands of dollars on gifts help keep our economy going and maintain jobs. Shocking as it may be to some people, we need both.

What matters is that we show kindness and goodwill to those around us and retain the spirit of giving, regardless of how – or what – we choose to celebrate. That we be respectful and not force our beliefs on others. (I don't like mashed potatoes but I'm not going to insist they be banned from Thanksgiving because other people happen to love them.) 

Wouldn't it be more productive to be accepting of other people and their beliefs? Or to educate ourselves on something we don't understand or find offensive? After all, showing tolerance and respect and opening our mind and heart are the greatest gifts we can give.

What are your thoughts on holiday protests?  Friend me on Facebook or find me on Twitter.  Have a happy Friday and great weekend!

An Update on the Basement Makeover

Good morning!  Today's blog is an update on how the basement makeover is progressing.  Although our goal was to have it done by Thanksgiving, our busy schedules have slowed thing down a bit so we're now hoping to have it done by Christmas.

If you missed the before pictures, you can see them here: Making Over a Room on a Budget.

We finally got all the crap cleared out of the room.  (All that stuff is now in the garage and our cars are on the driveway) The room seems so much bigger now that it's empty.

A view from the front of the room looking back.  Bill is patching one of many nail holes.  The basement is an odd shape with a larger area in the front which narrows in the middle and then opens to a larger area in the back.  It's a decorating nightmare!

This is where the dartboard hung on the wall. Notice the hundreds of holes around it which needed to be patched.

Yesterday I went to get paint samples. I thought I knew what I wanted but was immediately overwhelmed by the thousands of options.  Yikes!

I ended up bringing home 60 different color samples. (Yes, 60!)  We narrowed them down to two that we both liked, first eliminating anything that clashed with the carpet and the ceramic tile at the bottom of the steps.  An hour later, we looked at the two samples and decided we didn't like either of them (too bland) and started over.

We finally made a final decision on the paint before going to bed last night and I'll be buying it this afternoon - using a coupon for Sherwin Williams from the Entertainment Book.  (Remember, this is a makeover on a budget.)  We'll be busy painting the next few evenings.  Look for an update on our progress in a week or two.


Have a great day!