Honey Boo Boo Recap: Spray Tan Is Like Poop In a Can

It’s Thursday morning! Time for a Honey Boo Boo recap.

Last night’s episode focused on pageants, pregnancy and poop in a can. Gag! For “fun” let’s see how many times we gag running through the most noteworthy scenes and nauseating one-liners.

The show picked up with Honey and family rushing to the hospital after big sister Chickadee (aka Anna) experienced early pregnancy contractions. Chickadee spends the night in the hospital and described her pain as “going through her “vajayjay.”

Photo Credit: Eonline.com

After Chickadee returns home to bed rest, Alana starts asking questions about previous tummy conditions and telling us “When my belly hurts, it’s usually gas or too many chicken nuggets.” Gag! Now I’ll forever associate chicken nuggets with that kid farting.

Honey Boo Boo then announces that she wants to have a family one day. Like a very big family. “I want to have thousands and thousands and thousands and thousands and thousands.”

Surely I wasn’t the only person watching, shaking my head thinking, “No, God, no, no, no. Please! No!”

The next day is the final weigh in and the family hauls the scale into the kitchen so Pumpkin (aka Lauryn), Chubbs (Jessica) and Mama (June) can take their turns.  While Pumpkin gained eight pounds, Jessica lost three pounds and June lost one.  No gagging at this scene, just amazement that some weight was miraculously lost.

For all their “efforts” to eat right that week, Mama treats the girls to a day at the water park. There is some chuckling when June gets stuck in her tube and Alana states the obvious by announcing “This life jacket makes me look like a chunky lemon.” With some prodding, June peels off her sock and shows off her “forklift foot.” Did you look? I did. It looked like a giant ingrown toenail. Gross! Gag! Even grosser, were all the bugs flying around it.

Back home June preps Alana for the upcoming Rock Star pageant by spraying her stomach with tanning lotion and telling her to “make sure you show your pretty tanned belly to the judges.”  As Alana is getting sprayed, she tells us that “Spray tan is like poop in a can" and I realize that it kind of is. Gag! Like the chicken nuggets, in my mind spray tan will now forever be associated with feces.

June tells us that the Rock Star pageant is a “practice pageant” to prepare Honey for the BIG competitions. It is also her first pageant with a new coach and dress and there are few hiccups, like when her skirt falls off before she goes on stage and when she has a hard time remembering her Elvis routine.

By this point I was thinking Sugar Bear served no purpose except to roll his eyes at the ridiculous things Honey Boo Boo said. But just before she bounded on stage, he gave her a little pep talk and added “I like going to the pageants. I love watching her perform.”

Despite of Mama’s distractions (Smoochie! Smoochie!) Alana wins over the judges and is crowned the Queen in her age division. Although she is not named Rock Star Grand Supreme, she manages to keep a positive outlook saying, “If you’re a champion, you’re still a winner.”

Oh for sure. They’re all winners, don't you think?

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Hospital and Home Births Are So Boring! Let's Start Having Babies in the Back Yard!

Josie Maran is a busy woman, working as a model, actress and natural cosmetic maker. She’s also mom to two daughters, one of which was recently born in her back yard – definitely more primitive than a home birth, don’t you think?

In July, Josie gave birth to her second daughter outdoors, next to her Pennsylvania farmhouse under a honeysuckle bush while surrounded by friends and family. She was assisted by midwives as she labored in a blow-up kiddie pool. During the labor and delivery her husband was in the pool with her telling her how beautiful she was while her older daughter, 5-1/2 year old Rumi Joon (who was also born outside under a jasmine vine) was there giving her kisses, picking flowers and serving cookies.

Josie, husband Ali and new daughter Indi.

Josie is one super earth mama and her birthing experience sounds beautiful and serene and as close to perfect as they come. Can’t you just close your eyes and smell the honeysuckle? Doesn’t reading about it make you want to have your next baby outside under your favorite tree?

In my case, noooooooo!

Although the whole next to nature birthing plan sounds amazing and full of love and serenity, I’m more of a let’s-do-this-in-a-sterile-hospital kind of girl. Being outside seems so dirty and I’d feel so exposed, never mind the fact that we live in a housing plan where there would be zero privacy. Then with my allergies, I don’t even want to think about all the sneezing that would be involved in an outside birth. Oh and the bugs! Ugh!

Of course there are pros to having a backyard birth over a hospital or home birth. Cleanup would be much easier. You can just take that nutrient rich pool of birthing water and pour it on the plants or just allow it to soak into the earth. Very eco-friendly! (And a little yucky.)

Josie admits her method won't appeal to all women. As she has said, "I understand that this birth choice isn’t for everyone, but I believe in trusting my body to do what women have been doing for thousands of years.”

That’s a great reminder that having a baby doesn’t have to be scary but still, there’s nothing wrong with a good, old-fashioned hospital birth with beeping monitors and doctors and nurses there to assist, should there be – God forbid – any complications.

What do you think about giving birth outside? If you had the opportunity, would you try it? Why or why not?

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The Sneaky Thing That Causes Hair Loss In Women

I don’t mean to downplay what men deal with when it comes to thinning hair, but it’s about time someone started acknowledging that it happens to women too.

I know it doesn't look thin...but it is.

Female hair loss can be devastating and hasn't been given the attention it deserves (like a few other female issues that are swept under the rug and downplayed as “lady problems.)” Thankfully, new studies presented at the American Society of Plastic Surgeons’ meeting last fall shed light on some a few things that trigger hair loss in women. The top three culprits are excessive drinking, smoking and divorce.

The drinking and smoking comes as no surprise since we all know there are no health benefits in those habits. But divorce? That one threw me…until I read a little further.

The study also found that erratic sleeping patterns and other situations such as having multiple children, getting married or experiencing a major life changing event can jump start hair loss in women. Meaning, stress plays a pretty important role.

While hair loss and it's connection to stress freaks me out, it's also good indication of a woman’s state of mind. For years we’ve been hearing about the relationship between the mind and the body and how "bad" thoughts can cause poor health. It’s a relief to know that scientists are discussing it and looking for solutions to this pesky problem…one that I can relate to.

A few months ago I noticed that when I put my hair in a ponytail, it wasn’t as thick as used to be. And then when I shampooed,  I found clumps (Clumps!) of hair in my hands.  While that was a scary sight, it shouldn’t have come as a surprise. After all, I’ve been married for 20 years (Stress!), have a kid in college (More stress!) and experience insomnia (Stress and fatigue!) I’m also 46 and have declining estrogen levels – yet another cause of hair loss.

While I don’t have any obvious bald spots, the fact that my hair isn’t as thick as it was a few years ago bums me out. Go right ahead and be judgy and tell me I’m being overly concerned about my looks -- because I am. I won't lie and tell you I don’t care, because I do care. When it comes to aging, I’m not going down without a fight. And while I’m more accepting of other hair problems such as grays (easy fix) and the way it frizzes in humidity, I will not tolerate thinning hair!

After some reading, some internet research and a chat with my doctor, here’s the plan to keep it from getting worse:  More exercise, yoga, relaxation techniques, a regular bedtime schedule, eating more fruits, vegetables and protein, dropping about 10 pounds, taking a multivitamin and learning how to not let stupid, trivial things get under my skin -- healthy stuff that I should have been doing all along.

I’ll report back on any progress in about three months, which is when I should notice a difference.  What about you? Have you ever had an issue with thinning hair? Were you able to trace it back to stress? How did you treat it?

PS – Wouldn’t be awesome if women could be bald and sexy like men?

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Yosemite Warns Visitors Of Deadly Hantavirus Outbreak

This summer as been eventful with the Olympics, Rob and Kristen’s break up, extreme weather, several tragic shootings, the Bigfoot guy and that damn Fifty Shades of Grey obsession.

Can things get any more crazy?

Turns out, yes. Now there’s a mouse-poop virus killing visitors at Yosemite National Park.

Curry Village in Yosemite Park

I know it sounds like something from a horror movie but it’s not. It’s called the hantavirus. 

If you’re like most people, you probably had no idea you could catch a deadly virus from mouse droppings.

So far, four people who visited and park between June and yesterday have been infected and two have died. The park believes as many as 1,700 people may have been exposed. That means if you visited the Yosemite this summer and stayed in Curry Village and then experience flu-like symptoms, you need to RUN to your doctor. Symptoms of the virus appear from one to five weeks after exposure and 40 percent of the people with the disease will die.

It’s scary to think you can’t even go on a quiet family vacation without risking your life and the life your children. I mean, it’s not like those people were bungee jumping, scaling cliffs or diving from waterfalls. They were relaxing, sleeping and hanging out in little tents in the park’s villages when they were unknowingly were exposed to the illness from the urine, poop and saliva of mice – little rodents who are annoying but not particularly scary.

Hopefully we can make it to Labor Day without more bizarre news and enjoy a fall season that brings happy changes. What do you think? Does the hantavirus outbreak make you hesitant to camp? Have you ever been to Yosemite Park?

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Man Killed on Highway While Impersonating Bigfoot

Photo Credit: Wikipedia

In a tragic but bizarre story – one that makes you wonder if you should laugh or cry -- a man dressed up like Bigfoot died after being struck by two cars in Northern Montana.

Randy Lee Tenley dressed up in a full military style “Ghillie suit” and stepped out onto Highway 93, trying to provoke someone into calling in a Bigfoot sighting.

I’m sorry, but WTF?

I realize a man died and this isn’t something to make fun of, but the whole incident smacks of stupidity. For starters, those suits are specifically designed for camouflage...like to make you invisible. Common sense should tell you that wearing one while standing on a busy highway is not a good idea.

Even sadder is the fact that Tenley was first hit by a car being driven by a 15 year old girl. A second car swerved to avoid him before he was run over by a 17 year old. Ugh! He was hit by teenagers (i.e. new drivers) who no doubt will be haunted by the incident for some time. Let’s be thankful none of them were killed too.

Why would anyone want to intentionally scare people by making them believe they just saw a mystical creature? Life is already frightening with all the unemployment and crime going on. Hell, the pressure that comes with raising healthy, well adjusted children is enough to scare the crap out of you. And speaking of children, can you imagine their reaction at seeing a big, hairy monster in the middle of the road? Hello nightmares.

A Ghillie suite similar to the one Tenley was wearing.

Nobody knows what was going through Tenley’s mind when he stepped onto that highway. Maybe he had a weird sense of humor. Or maybe he just wanted to put a little mystery back into people’s lives. Except that he picked a dangerous way to do it because – as any sane person knows – standing on the highway in a camouflage suit is idiotic.

While attempting to bring curiosity back into a world that has seen everything isn't a bad idea, for God’s sake, don’t do it in the middle of the highway, okay? Maybe stand beside a cardboard UFO a safe distance from the road or dress up like Tinkerbell and greet Disney guests. Just be sure to stand clear of the park entrance. While you probably won't die, Disney frowns on impersonators.

What do you think of this stunt? Do you believe in Bigfoot?

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